


Ronan Holiday

by Again_n_Again



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam thinks maybe he "like" likes Ronan, College AU, Gansey and Adam share a dorm, M/M, Noah and Blue and Ronan chill all the time, Ronan goes on a date, Ronan is awkward at dating boys that aren't adam, Ronan tries to get over Adam, other boys like Ronan, why can't he just be dating adam amiright?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-20 00:28:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 30,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5986177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Again_n_Again/pseuds/Again_n_Again
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>see what I did there?</p><p>Gansey and Adam room together at Princeton University.  Things are going well back home too.  Noah and Ronan and Blue have gotten even closer, and while they're all attending a party at Blue's college, Ronan gets hit on by his first boy since K;  he's handsome and older and very interested, and Blue and Noah encourage Ronan to move on/ live a little.  <br/>Now that he finally has his own phone, Adam has been talking to Ronan a lot since he's been away, and has been questioning the all ways and reasons he misses his one "friend" so severely. <br/>Though when our Ivy League boys come home for a school break, Adam might not be too happy to find he's not the only one who's suddenly "seeing" Ronan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Already have chapter 2 written, it just needs to be edited before I post it! Will finish this soon I promise. I can't stand waiting for updates, so I wont make anyone else wait either!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan has a hard time dropping Adam off at college, even though he knows he'll see in in only a couple months. But even though he'll be visiting VA it's not like it's his home anymore; it's not like anything has changed between them. Maybe it's time Ronan moves on with his life. He's still got part of his crew after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to remind you all that I wrote this before TRK came out, so there were some mentions of Ronan's mom and things....so just read this like an AU where everything is the same except Noah is still alive, and Gansey went to college with Adam after they graduated, and not on a road trip with Blue and their new ace boyfriend Cheng.

This should be easier by now.  Hell.  This should have been easier a year ago,

Ronan thought, as he pulled out his phone and jabbed at the photo of Adam’s face. 

It was a profile shot of Adam walking away. 

He was always fucking walking away. 

 

Ronan and Blue had driven up with Gansey and Adam when they moved in to the Princeton dorms;  Gansey drove the Pig, and Adam, his shitbox.  Ronan drove the Suburban to carry the obscene amount of stuff Gansey had packed for them both.  They’d be sharing a dorm, and Ronan had watched with some amusement as Gansey purchased one  _college student prop_ after another over the past weeks, absolutely giddy at the idea of being able to buy things that would directly benefit Adam.   Adam had tried to quietly complain to Ronan while they were packing the glittering black chariot with boxes full of heavy blankets, a shower curtain that was a map of the world, bags and bags and bags of food, and of course, because why not -  a lava-lamp.  But Ronan had shut him pretty quickly. 

“Gansey gets to do college the way he wants, Parrish.  You’ll just have to get used to living in the lap of frat-boy luxury.  Besides - look at that looser.”  Ronan gestured to Gansey.  He was actually beaming, shoving another Jumbo Wholesale box of Macaroni and Cheese into the truck.  They hadn’t seen him smile like that since – well, since before the demon.  And while Blue was doing her best to appear happy, Ronan and Adam both noted the sadness at the edging her eyes.  It would reach Gansey's eyes soon enough.

“You’ll be 200lbs by the time you come back for Thanksgiving.” Ronan said.

Adam smiled at that.  “You still cooking?”

“Abso –fucking-lutly.” Ronan grinned.  But that smirk was just another way of lying.  He was loosing everything.  And it felt like it.

 

 

And that was the end really.  Adam had bought a phone before he left, because of course he needed one now, and they helped carry box after box into their new home, 99% of which was Ganseys.  

Ronan wondered if Gansey would end up joining a fraternity.  He would probably get caught up in the history and tradition of it all, not realizing that most guys use it as an excuse to drink excessively and hit on dunk girls.  Gansey wasn't as oblivious as he sometimes seemed, but Ronan wasn't sure if that lifestyle would appeal to him.  He hoped it wouldn't for Adam.  He didn't like the idea of them being around so many new people.  He briefly pictured stoic Adam standing alone in a crowd of wasted college students, girls and guys bumping into his lithe form.  Adam deserved more respect than that.  Not that he had any right to assume what Adam would want to do in college.  He shook the idea from his mind; it would just make him bitter.  

It was getting late, and Blue wanted to leave.  They were both sad and angry at no one in particular, and there was an unspoken understanding between them that said, “Get me the hell out of here before I wreck something.”

"We have a long ride back."  Ronan said, gesturing to the truck.

"You could stay?"  Gansey suggested hopefully.

Blue looked at her feet, and Adam watched closely, surely knowing Ronan's answer before he gave it.

"Nah.  We can't."

 

They all said their final goodbyes in the parking lot, by the Suburban.  Ronan would be driving it back to Monmouth for Gansey, and Blue would be riding shotgun. 

Gansey and Ronan said their goodbyes, and Ronan found it harder than he expected to disengage from Gansey’s embrace - but he did.  He let him go.

Ronan could feel the waves of anxiety rolling off of Blue and he knew that she needed her goodbye more.  Ronan watched as they stood at the hood of the truck embracing tightly.  It was still new, seeing the two of them, like this.  But in a way, it seemed like it had been going on forever.  It seemed right.  Ronan hadn’t expected that either. 

He didn’t realize he was still watching them whisper into each others necks, their eyes clenched tight, until Adam touched his arm.  He turned and found Adam smiling at him tensely, head cocked like he'd been watching him without Ronan realizing it.

“You’re going to miss him.” Adam said.  It wasn't a question

“Yeah.”

“He’s going to be impossible to live with.  Always worrying about you, and not being able to check in as much as he'd like.”

“Not likely.  He’s got you to mother over now.”

Adam shook his head and smiled.  Then the smile broke out into a deep and honest laugh.  And Ronan felt the familiar stab in his heart. 

Adam would probably be laughing more now.  Smiling more.  Be more _Adam_ now.  But all that would happen here in this place; and Ronan would be 300 miles away, doing fuck all. 

He could still feel Adam’s hand on his arm.

“I’m not sure how to actually live with someone.  I’ll probably be a horrible roommate.”

“You weren’t so bad.” Ronan said.  And wanted to suck the words back in immediately. 

They hadn’t actually lived together.  Just - Ronan had been a nearly permanent fixture in Adam’s apartment since he got his collage acceptance letter, trying greedily to soak up every last minute he could with him.  Gansey had been doing the same with Blue.  They all still hung out together during the day, but the nights broke them into pairs. 

Though he was _sure,_ by the way Gansey had been whistling the last few weeks that _his_ nights were going far more pleasantly than Ronan’s had. 

He was certain _at least_ that he wasn’t sleeping on the damn floor.

Thinking of the ridiculousness of the comparison made something black twist in his stomach.   He pushed it down into the pit of himself, (he was good at that) but still pulled his arm out of Adam’s grasp. 

Adam didn’t flinch.  “Give me your phone.”

“Why?”  Ronan asked.  Trying to curb the harshness of his voice.  It was his own fault that he was feeling this way, not Adam’s.  He needed to rein it in. 

Gansey’s giggling from the ten feet away didn’t help though.

Adam didn’t answer Ronan, he just gave him  _the look_ that said “you are being an idiot, but I am graciously putting up with you”  and before Ronan could inquire further, Adam slid his hand into Ronan's back pocket and fished out his phone, unlocking it.

“Christ Parrish!  Personal space!” Ronan objected.  

Ronan watched as Adam’s fingers deftly typed something into his phone.

“Yeah.  Sure.”  Was all Adam said, not even bothering to look up from the screen to take in Ronan’s scandalized expression.

Then he handed it back.  Ronan took the phone and stared down at it.

“I programmed my number in there.  That way we can still talk without having to go through Gansey.”

Ronan nodded, and didn’t look up.  He hated this.  God -  He hated this so fucking much.

He watched, head down, eyes cast low, as Adam shuffled his feet.  He didn’t know how to say goodbye to him. 

This felt like the end.  More than what they faced in Cabeswater.  More than anything else, this felt like loosing him.

 

“Okay.  Let’s get the hell out of here.”  Blue yelled across the lot, trying to discreetly wipe a tear from her eye.

Gansey’s arms were still wrapped around her waist, and they shuffled toward the passenger seat like some sort of two headed blob.

Ronan just nodded.  He didn’t look at Adam when he said. “Don't do anything I would do.”

“Ronan...”  Adam said.

He looked up then, and let himself look at Adam’s face, really look, one more time.  Ronan's heart seized in a painful shutter.   _He's never coming back._

But before he could let his eyes trace the line of his brow, and dip into the hollow of his eyes, Adam pulled him into a crushing hug. 

They didn’t do this.  Ever.  Adam didn’t like to be touched.  It took Ronan five full seconds to respond – to wrap his arms around Adam’s back and squeeze, fist clenched tight around his own fingers, so he wouldn't grab up Adam's shirt and never let him go.  Fists clenched tight, so he wouldn’t fall apart. 

Adam didn’t let go though, and Ronan took the moment to take a deep breath in.  He’d never been so close; never had all his senses been so wrapped up in Adam Parrish before.  He could feel his hands start to shake, so he pulled away.

Adam looked at him.  There was something different in his expression now - something hard and strange.  But Ronan had to go and Adam had to start the new life he'd worked so hard to gain. 

Ronan wanted to run home.  He wished he could fly.  Just take flight like Chainsaw and let his body work out all this useless energy.  Adam was still staring at him.  

Blue honked the horn loudly, and Ronan decided he never liked her more in his life, because Adam's eyes softened before saying, “Well...see you in a couple months.” 

Gansey walked back over and clasped Ronan on the shoulder, kissing him once, messily on the cheek. 

Adam smiled too big, all teeth and sunlight as he watched Ronan wipe the kiss off.

 

 

Ronan was splintering at the sight of them…his best friends, they were too big for this world, he thought. 

He wasn’t sure how to live without them.  He shoved his hands into the back pockets of his jeans so his posture wouldn't reflect the fuck-storm of bullshit going on in his brain right now.

“Go on.”  Ronan said to break the tension.  “Get the fuck out of here.”

Both Adam and Gansey were too familiar with Ronan's aggressive form of affection to be offended.  So, with one last grin they both turned and walked away.  

Ronan watched as Adam looked back, catching his eye one last time before heading into the building.   _His new home_ , Ronan thought.  Grabbing his phone, Ronan snapped a picture of Adam, halo'd in all that late afternoon light. 

He doubted it was a smart idea to capture this moment; he didn't want to remember what he was feeling, but Ronan figured he could always run the phone over later.

Blue called out the window again and Ronan hopped back in the truck.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!  That means you, Adam!” Blue yelled.

But they were both already over the threshold of the building.  They probably didn't even hear her, because they left. 

They just left.  

 

 

 

There was a missed call.  It was Adam, the only one other than Blue or Matthew or Gansey who ever called him.

Ronan was right those three months ago;  it was stupid to take that picture of Adam and save it as his contact photo.  It came up, a punch to the gut, every time he called, which even Ronan had to admit, was quite often.  More than he had expected Adam to want to reach out at least.  

But, for some reason, it was never easy for Ronan to call him back.  He ignored it.

Maybe it was because Adam always had something to talk about?  School, Gansey, some art thing he went to, some book he got signed by a visiting scholar with a stick up his ass…some party. 

Ronan didn’t go to parties.  Blue had dragged him to a couple during her first month of college but Ronan wasn't a fun party date; he usually just sulked in the corner, growling at anyone who dared approach him.  He did have to admit though, that Blue and Noah together were pretty fun to be around, and she promised tonight would be different. Maybe he'd call Adam back after he had a couple drinks.

Ronan didn't know why this party was supposed to be better than all the others, but Blue insisted it had something to do with the joy of finishing midterms and the upcoming holiday, so Ronan was being nice, or rather, Blue had bribed him with the long stretch of highway between her house the school.  He could always use a drive. 

Once there, Ronan realized that the party was definitely bigger than all the others he had been dragged to, and after they each finished a couple drinks, they found themselves sitting in the corner of a large room on a sour smelling couch, with Blue doing voice over imitations of all the party-goers.  

Ronan and Noah couldn’t help but join in, even though Blue was the most vicious with her take downs, always managing to get Ronan and Noah to laugh boisterously.  

His laughter, especially, seemed to spur her on, and eventually the three of them were just sprawled across each other, doubled over in fits of hysterics.  Maybe Blue had been right about tonight?  His stomach ached, and for once, it was the good kind.

Even Noah seemed in high spirits, happy to add to the festivities by spilling drinks and flickering the lights on and off.

Ronan hadn’t even thought of Adam in probably forty-five minutes, which would have been an all time record, if not for Noah opening his big mouth to fucking ruin it.  

“That guy over there is checking you out.”  Noah said.

“Not interested.”  Blue shot back, reflexively. 

“I’m not talking to you.”  Noah scolded.  “I mean obviously; you’re with Gansey.  I was _talking_ to Ronan.”

Ronan felt all the hairs on his body stand on edge.  _What the Fuck Noah!?_ He stared daggers at his friend, who had the good sense to flicker out momentarily.

Blue leaned forward, looking past Noah, or maybe through him, to glare at Ronan, eyebrow raised and an _I knew it_ , smile on her lips.  Ronan wouldn’t look at her.

“Who?”  She asked Noah.  “Which one.”

“The pretty one - in the grey shorts.”

“Ohhh  _nice._ ”  Blue added, and Ronan couldn’t help but look up. 

He _was_ cute.  Tall, lean, and smiling in their direction.   He _was_ looking at Ronan.  He looked like one of those bike messengers you always saw around the city.  His shorts were cut off right above the knee, and he had great legs.  He wore a black band T-shirt that Ronan vaguely recognized, and when he caught Ronan look him over he smiled and waved. 

“OOOooooooo.”  Blue and Noah squealed in unison.

Ronan could feel his cheeks heat up and he hissed at them.  He did not wave back.

“You should go talk to him.”  Blue said, and Ronan thought he'd rather face a night terror.  

The good feeling that had just been in his stomach changed into something else entirely.  He wanted to leave.  To argue with something.

“I should not.”  Ronan said sternly.

Noah frowned.  “But it’s been months since  Ad..."

Ronan glared, trying to silence him, but Noah soldiered on.

".. since, Adam left.”

Blue sucked in a breath and her eyes went soft.

Ronan felt all the muscles in his body tense.

“What, _THE FUCK_ , does that have to do with anything?” Ronan growled.

Noah just gave him a sad look.  His head dropped onto his own shoulder. 

Ronan risked another glace up.  He could feel the guy still looking at him.  And sure enough, he was.

He was standing with a small group of people.  They all laughed easily, taking sips from their red solo cups, and smiling at one another, but the boy was smiling only at Ronan. 

They probably didn't know shit about Welsh Kings or Magicians, or Ravens.  

Ronan hated them.

“He’s like, _really_ cute though.”  Noah said, one more time.

“I’m out of here.”  Ronan grumbled, grabbing his coat, and heading out the back door.

Noah and Blue just stared after him.

 

The cool night air felt good on Ronan’s skin.

He felt bad for leaving Blue and Noah like that, which made him anxious, which made him angry.  He knew he shouldn’t drive though. 

He wanted to speed away into oblivion.  But he halted on the crumbling back cement steps, closing his eyes, and letting the air settle into his bones, trying to breathe through his totally fucked up train of thoughts.

“Hey.” A voice said from behind him.

Ronan opened his eyes.  It was him.  Grey shorts guy.  Or, Ronan now noticed with some dismay, "dimples when he smiles" guy.

Ronan just nodded.  But didn’t say anything.

The guy shoved his hands into his pockets.  It was chilly and he was only in shorts and a t-shirt.  He was probably cold. 

Ronan felt awkward that he was standing here with him.

“It’s cold out here.”  The guy said.

“Says the guy in shorts and a t-shirt in November.”  Ronan snarled, but the guy only laughed lightly.

“Yeah.  I came from work.  I get hot biking around all day.  Sometimes I forget it’s almost winter and leave all my real clothes at home.”

Ronan nodded again.  Not sure what else to say, but smiling thinly.

“I’m Nate.”  He thrust out his hand to Ronan.

Ronan stared at it. 

Usually he didn’t mind being rude.  He actually enjoyed it, but for some reason he found himself sticking out his hand.

“Ronan.”  He said. 

Nate smiled again.   _Fucking dimples._

He took Ronan's hand and shook it firmly.

Why was this guy smiling so much?  Ronan felt off kilter.  He was looking Ronan straight in the eyes.

“You’re really cute.”  Nate said suddenly.  Still holding onto Ronan’s hand.

Ronan coughed, clearing his throat.  “Um..What?”  The scorn in his voice alone should have been enough to scare the guy off, but...

Nate did let go of his hand, but just kept fucking smiling.

“Sorry.  Is that weird?  I just saw you sitting with your friends, and I don’t know?  You’re super cute.  Have a nice laugh too.  And I thought, it wouldn’t be so bad to get to know that guy.”

Ronan was speechless.  He knew his eyebrows were probably reaching his hairline.

“You just go around, saying shit like that to people you've never met?”

“Yeah, usually."  Nate shrugged.  "I mean, if they have eyes like you do...  Yeah.”

Nate grinned again.  All teeth.  Ronan thought it was the smile of someone who was used to getting what he wanted when he unleashed it.

Ronan tried to force the flush from his face, but thought he was probably failing. 

He thanked God that there were no windows for Blue and Noah to be staring through.

“So…you go to school here?” Nate asked.

“No.  My friend.  Blue.  That girl I was sitting with.  She goes here.”

“Oh the spiky one!”

“Yeah.  That’s her.  And it’s not just her hair that’s sharp.”

“A quality you both share?”

Ronan laughed at that.  The drinks he consumed earlier, making it easy for him to be a little more sociable.

“And there!"  Nate beamed.  "My nights been made.”

“What?” Ronan's face instantly returned to it's natural resting bitch face.

“I got you to laugh.”  Nate was smiling again.  Just staring at Ronan – and if eyes could smirk.

“Are you flirting with me?” Ronan accused.  His voice was not welcoming.

“Well, I thought that was obvious.  Do you want me to stop?”

Ronan thought about that for a second.  Then asked.

“Do _you_ go to school here?”

“Yeah.  I mean, I only go part time.  Not really sure what I want to major in yet.  Undecided.  But I was thinking maybe history.  Who knows….maybe art?”

“Or Art History?” Ronan added.

“That’s right!”  Nate beamed.

 

 

Ronan and Nate talked for a while on the steps, and he noticed goosebumps on Nate's arms, but Nate never went back inside or asked Ronan if they could go somewhere else.  Maybe he knew Ronan would refuse. 

It was easy to talk with Nate.  He was funny, and their conversation was simple and flowed from one topic to the other easily. 

It was strange knowing that this guy was hitting on him, and yet, it didn't feel as strange as he expected.  It actually felt... pretty okay.

After a while Ronan heard a bang behind them as the storm door opened and closed quickly.  Blue and Noah came stumbling out, stopping dead in their tracks when they saw Nate and Ronan sitting next to eachother on the steps.

“Oh.  I see.  Ditched me to sit with Dimples on the steps.”  Blue accused.  Her and Noah's grin could have powered a small city.  

Ronan went molten.

“I didn’t ditch you maggot.  And you’re drunk.”

Nate held out his hand to Blue.  “I’m Nate!  You must be Blue.”

Blue shook his hand.  He didn’t seem to see Noah.

“That’s right.”  Blue said.  “Do I need to scare you away?  Are you bothering my friend.”

Nate just laughed. 

“You were right Ronan, Spiky indeed!”

Blue flushed a little, but seemed pleased.

“So…I was going to look to see if your car was still here, but….can you drive?  I kind of want to get out of here.”

“Yeah, I can drive.”

Ronan stood up. He looked down at Nate.

“See you around.”

“Wait…” Nate said, getting to his feet quickly.

Blue looked between them, arching one dark brow.  “I’ll just... wait at the car.” 

Her and Noah left in a hurry.

“Could I call you sometime?” 

“Why?”  Ronan asked.  Not really sure what would be the point for either of them.

“Because I want to.  I’d like to see you again.”

Nate took out his phone without waiting for a response.

“What’s your number?”

“I, uh...I don’t know?"

Nate looked up at him then and frowned.

Ronan shrugged.

“I hate phones.  I have no idea what my number is.”

Nate took Ronan’s phone from his hand, and dialed his number into it, pressing send. 

“There!  Now I have yours, and you’ll have mine.”

“O-kaay.” Ronan said.  Feeling like his skin was too tight.  This felt off.  He wasn’t sure if he loved it or hated it.  But it was definitely weird.

Ronan nodded, bobbing his head a little, not knowing what else to say and turned to walk away.

But Nate grabbed his wrist.  Ronan's head jerked to look down at the point of contact.

“I really hope I’m not reading this wrong, but…”  Nate stepped closer and all of Ronan's cells screamed out to run.  “Something to remember me by.” 

Nate kissed him.

All Ronan’s cells shut up immediately.

Nate stepped in close, so close that their bodies were gently pressed up against each other.  And while Ronan was tall and built sturdily, he realized with some odd mixture of shock and amusement, that Nate was taller than him.  One of Nate' hands slipped around to rest feather light on Ronan's neck.  All Ronan's breath left him on an exhale and he felt Nate's lips open slightly.

Something was going off in Ronan….some long forgotten ember that always simmered below the surface was lighting up.  And when just the slightest tip of tongue grazed the slit of Ronan's lips, he felt it like a wildfire. 

The kiss only lasted a moment.  But when Nate pulled away, he looked happier than ever.  Maybe he’d expected Ronan to push him away.  Maybe he thought Ronan would hit him, or that maybe he'd misread.  

Nate laughed softly at the look on Ronan’s face.  

Ronan had no idea what he saw there; And with the tip of his thumb, Nate brushed his chin.

“I hope you call.”  Nate said.  “But either way…I’m definitely going to call you.  Pick up, ok?”

Ronan just cleared his throat again, and swallowed heavily.  Everything was spinning.  Everything that is, except Nate’s smug smile.

“See ya.”  And he walked back inside.

Ronan just stood there on the steps for a moment longer. 

 

When Ronan turned 18 and still hadn’t kissed anyone, he just sort of resigned himself to being alone.  He could do that.  He could just have his friends, and Matthew, and the Barns, and that would be enough.  He’d been so in love with Adam, who was out of the question, that there didn’t seem to be another option.  But something was happening in his gut, and while he couldn’t help but think of Adam also, he was mostly thinking about long tanned legs, dimples, and the feeling of heat and lips pressed up against his mouth and body. 

His first kiss.  It was with a relative stranger.  It was not with Adam. It was with a boy.  A very good looking boy.  A very good looking boy who was not Adam.

His hands started to ache from how tightly he clenched them.  Ronan took a deep breath, stretched out his long fingers, and walked to the car.

He shoved his phone into his pocket, and decided to worry about all of this tomorrow.

 

 

 

Not thinking about it until tomorrow proved impossible when in the car with Blue and Noah. 

“Did you see his cute little butt in those shorts!” Noah giggled.

“Umm.  Yeah!  That should have been your first tip off Ronan.” Blue added.

“F-ing Christ Maggot.”

“Really though!"  Noah whined.  "What a babe.  Did he ask you out?  Do you like him?  Do you think he’s cute?  What did you talk about?  Does he go to school here?” 

“No more drinking for either of you!”  Ronan scolded.  Then added, somewhat sheepishly after the car had gone silent:

“He asked for my number.”

“Ooooooooooooooo” Noah and Blue screeched again.

“Shut up.  It’s not a thing.”

“It sure sounds like a thing.” Blue said.

“Are you going to tell Adam?”  Noah asked.

Sadness, and irrationally, guilt bubbled up in Ronan stomach.

“There is nothing to tell, first of all.  And Adam…Adam and I are just friends.”

Ronan's hands tightened on the steering wheel as the car went silent again.

 

Ronan dropped Blue off at home first.  She had managed to pull enough grants and scholarships together to pay for her schooling, but not enough to live on campus.  The commute was a bitch, but Blue was still thrilled with the opportunity to go to school.

As he walked into Monmouth, he greeted Chainsaw and let her out into the night for some exercise.

Ronan splashed some water on his face, and stared at himself in the mirror.

He brought his fingers to his lips.  Nate had called him cute.  He looked at himself, trying to see what someone else might. 

He never really cared about this before.  He was just Ronan and that was enough. 

He had enough to worry about, and being hot, wasn’t one of them.  But Nate was very good looking and he seemed interested in Ronan.  That had to mean something…right? 

He wondered what Adam thought of him; if Adam had thought that he was attractive. 

It would be objectively of course, like how Ronan could objectively see what Gansey and Adam saw in Blue.  She was cute and spirited, and her body was shaped in a way that was cute.  Like some kind of pocket sized perpetual motion machine.  

She also had fierce eyes.  That’s what Ronan like about her most. 

That’s what he liked most about Adam too.  His eyes.  There was always so much determination there.  So much will.

Ronan could never seem to be able to not fall into them.  He wondered if Adam had any idea how much power he could weild over Ronan just by asking…just by being him.

He also realized he had no idea what color eyes Nate had.  He had talked with him all night, and hadn’t noticed.  That couldn’t be a great sign.  But he had liked the kiss. 

He liked the warmth pressing into his body, and he thinks he even liked that Nate was taller than him; that was interesting. 

The sharp wetness of his tongue though?   That was something he wouldn’t be able to forget anytime soon. 

He wonders if Nate had kissed him earlier in the night, if he hadn't had Blue waiting for him, if they would have kept kissing. 

He wonders what deeper kisses would feel like.  What a guy like Nate might expect to come next.  He had no idea.  He thinks he wants to find out. 

The kissing had almost the same effect on Ronan that racing had.  It felt a little dangerous and the outcome was unknown. 

Noah had blipped out, so Ronan took the opportunity to shower, and let himself fantasize about possibilities while he touched himself. 

He tried to keep his mind vague, but as usual, Adam kept barging in.  He couldn’t help but think of his long fingers, and his dusty hair, and the way his eyes held more life than anyone else Ronan had ever known. 

But this time, for the first time in forever, another image came forward too.  Long lean legs, a lightly stubbled chin, and dimples, dimples, dimples.

 

Ronan got out of the shower, opened the window back up for chainsaw, and plugged his phone in.  As he climbed into bed, he saw he had a message.  Two actually.

The first one was from Adam.

 

_-Went to a movie tonight with Gansey.  There was a guy sitting in front of us with a shaved head who kept heckling the characters on screen.  At first I thought it was you._

There was another short text after that one, like an after thought.

_-Wish it had been._

_-8 more days._

Adam and Gansey would be coming home for Thanksgiving in eight days.  Ronan had been anxiously awaiting the holiday since late August.

 

The second text was from an unknown number.

_-Hey it’s Nate.  I’m hoping you didn’t already forget.  I’m glad I got to meet you today_

_-...and your lips ;)_

_-Any chance you’d want to grab some coffee tomorrow?_

Ronan felt a little sick.  And also a little exhilarated.  Nate had already contacted him.  

He was flirting again.  This was real.  This was OK.  Was this something Ronan could do?  Just go meet up with someone, like other people seemed to do?

 

Ronan texted back.

_-Sure.  Has to be after 12.  Let me know where._

He thought he’d just try to sleep after that, but another text came through almost immediately.

_-How about Beanwood on Acedemy @ 2?  What are you a late sleeper?_

_-I can be there at 2.  I have church._ Ronan responded

_-Oh._ _OK.  See you tomorrow._

 

This was weird.  This was too weird.  Maybe he wouldn’t go.  Maybe he’d just delete the number and go to the Barnes tomorrow like he planned. 

But Ronan thought of Nate’s mouth again and rolled over on his stomach, burying his face into the mattress.  He grabbed his phone one last time and looked at the text from Adam.  The light spilling from the screen made him squint, but he looked at the words and picture next to it.  He groaned.  Letting the familiar melancholy wash over him, like the old friend it was.

He wished he was with Adam too, just not the way Adam wished it.  But that would never happen. 

He was 18 - and still pining - and pathetic.   He’d meet Nate tomorrow.  It was time.

 

 

Adam was up until 3am studying.  He got more sleep now then he used to by far, but it was midterms, and he was pulling an all night cramming session. 

It was strange how he still sometimes looked to the left of his bed, as if Ronan would be there, arm slung lazily over his eyes, stretched out, almost feline on the the floor.  But Ronan hadn’t been beside him for months.

He expected to miss him, of course.  He did not expect the hole Ronan left to be so... gaping.  Sometimes the extent to which he missed Ronan actually winded him.

He looked over at Gaseney, snoring happily in the bed across from his.  He had gotten off the phone with Blue hours ago, and had let Adam briefly say “hello”, and exchange pleasantries.  It was always nice to hear her voice. 

 

She had told Gansey that she and Noah and Ronan had all went to a party.  Adam could deduce as much from just Gansey’s side of the conversation and the questions he asked Blue. 

Adam smiled to himself thinking of the three of them at a party.  He missed them so much.

He thought of Ronan again, did he mingle?  Dance?  When Gansey’s calling his name pulled him out of his daydream.

“I’m sorry, what?”  Adam asked.

“Blue said…well, Ronan might have met…someone.  Tonight.  Did you hear from him at all?  Apparently, he wasn’t too keen on talking to Blue and Noah about it.”

 

“I bet he wasn’t."  Adam laughed.  "Though, I’m sure that didn’t stop Noah from prying.”

Gansey smiled, holding the phone away from his ear, and nodding conspiratorially.

 

Adam looked at his phone.  He’d sent Ronan the text while he and Gansey were still at the theater, and even one this morning, but hadn't heard back. 

“No.  He didn’t message me back today.”  Adam frowned.  He tried to make sure his voice sounded nonchalant, but he couldn't really seem to help the frowning.

Gasney’s eyes widened a little and one eyebrow rose questioningly.

“hmmmmm”  he said over the phone.  Then to Blue, “Oh?  Really!  Well, that’s a development.”

 

Adam tired to igore them, but something prickled under his skin. 

It shouldn't bother him that they were talking about Ronan.  It shouldn't bother him that Ronan hadn’t texted back yet. 

Ronan always hated his phone, and while it was true that he usually responded sooner to Adam's messages than anyone else's, there were still sometimes when hours or even a day would pass before he’d get a response. 

This should be no different.

But it felt different.

Adam pictured Ronan meeting someone.  What kind of person would Ronan go for?

He had, for a time, thought….well, he thought maybe Ronan could have been interested in him, but deep down Adam always dismissed the idea as his own vanity.

He was pretty sure though that Ronan was _not_ into girls.  He tried to imagine Ronan chatting with some sorority pledge and the idea was so ridiculous that Adam couldn’t help laughing out loud.  

Gansey gave him a quizzical look, but Adam just shook his head, waving him off.  He increased his efforts of re-reading and highlighting his notes. 

He paused mid mark.  But what kind of guy then?  Who would Ronan want to talk to?

For a moment Adam remembered Kavinsky, and the highlighter squeaked, as the plastic strained under his tightening grip. 

He shook the idea away.  _No._

He couldn’t imagine Ronan  _with_  anyone.  Ronan was too much his own man; he would overshadow and outshine whoever Adam placed him next to. 

Even in a room with Gansey people usually noticed Ronan first….maybe that was just their survival instinct, but still.

Eventually, Gansey fell asleep. 

Adam was comforted by the whispered “I love you’s” shared between Blue and Gansey each night.  But he couldn’t help checking his phone again.  Still no message from Ronan. 

He couldn’t actually still be out, could he?  Surely not with the person he met?  They JUST met! 

But the image of Ronan smiling at someone, maybe reaching out and taking a hand, wouldn’t stop playing through Adam’s head. 

He slammed his book closed, after imagining Ronan leaning in, mouth lightly parted, a curl, almost a snarl on his pretty lips...

He shut off the light with a little too much emphasis. 

Somehow, even though Ronan was 300 miles away, he was still making it impossible to Adam to study. 


	2. Chapter 2

“Ronan?  What's wrong with you?  You’re like, all fidgety.”

 

“Shhh!  Matthew.  You’re being disrespectful.”

Ronan’s eyes were glued to the priest, more so than any other Sunday.  Something was up, Matthew was sure.

Matthew fell back into the pew looking sullen; he wasn’t really, but wanted to at least look the part to appease his older brother.  Matthew would do anything for Ronan.

Except practice patience, because less than five minutes later, what little resolve Matthew had faltered.

 

 “No, really." He whined.  "You’re knee keeps banging into mine.  Is something wrong?  Should I be worried?”

He looked around the church, leaning forward, and craning his head this way and that,  generally making a scene of himself.

 

Ronan gently nudged his brother back into his seat.

“There is nothing the matter.  I am not fidgeting.  Just pay attention.”

 

“Sooorrrry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Do you want to still have lunch after?”

“Sure.  But I got to be quick about it today.”

“Oh yeah?  Why?”

“I  _said_ …pay attention!”

 

* * *

 

Ronan still would have been on time to meet Nate, but Noah had given him the inquisition and ghosts were harder to ignore than most people, as things like doors and private thoughts didn’t really deter them. 

So, Ronan settled for his standard black jeans and thin grey pull over hoodie.  He wasn’t going to dress up.  He had even managed to avoid looking in the mirror before he left.  What the fuck does it matter anyway?  He thought to himself. 

He did however steal a glance in the rear-view mirror after parking the BMW in the Beanwood parking lot.  He did it subconsciously, narrowing his eyes at himself once he realized what he was doing. 

He got out of the car quickly, slamming the door.  Pissed already.

 

When he shuffled into the café, hands shoved into his pockets he spotted Nate right away.  He was sitting at a table by a window in the front, two drinks already on the table. 

Nate looked up, spotted Ronan, smiled and waved. 

Ronan nodded back, and the crowd parted, always cleaving in two to make room for Ronan Lynch. 

Some of Ronan’s edges had been softened since befriending Adam, graduating high school and finding Glendower, but there were more than enough remaining to not-so-subtly suggest that Ronan Lynch was still someone to be avoided.

Nate didn’t seem to get the memo.

 

“I made a wildly presumptuous guess and ordered you a large Americano.”  Ronan sat down and Nate slid a small white plate towards him.  “And… a blackberry scone.”

 

His eyes traveled up and down Ronan's body, and Ronan fought the desire to bite at his leather bands.

Nate smiled.  “Because I'm thinking you're dark _and_ sweet.”  His eyebrow raised at Ronan in a tidy arc.

 

“That’s a really lame fucking joke.” Ronan hates this....He's pretty sure that he hates this.

“Well, that’s fine because I wasn’t joking.” Nate said matter-of-factly.

It made Ronan anxious that his blatant rude behavior: being late, generally disagreeable, and not thanking Nate for the drink, didn’t have any effect on his rogue smile.  If anything he was grinning more.

Ronan wasn’t used to being on this side of “the stare”.  So he mumbled out, “Thanks for the coffee" and pulled the chair out to sit down.  The sound of the  wooden legs scraping the floor perfectly mirrored the shape of his nerves.

“Of course.”  Nate beamed.  “You look more handsome than I remember.”

“Shit." Ronan cursed.  He paused, the coffee to his lips, but having not yet taken a sip.  "Is this really how you talk to people?  I mean, we just met yesterday?"

“Yeah.  And you’re more handsome than I remember.”  Nate shrugged, like it was obvious.

Ronan rolled his eyes, but his stomach was swooping in a way that made him hate himself. 

“Anyway,” Nate continued, clearly not deterred “Tell me about yourself, Ronan …..”

He waved his hand over the table, gesturing for Ronan to pick up where he left off.

Ronan took a sip of his coffee, and watched his hand.  It was a nice hand.  Perfectly fine.  _Not a magicians hand…_ **STOP** _._   He told himself.

He set the cup back down, took in a deep breath.  He could do this.  He loathed small talk, but you had to meet new people eventually – he guessed.

“Lynch.  Ronan Lynch.  Not much to tell really.”

“Oh, come on.”  Nate took a large bite out of his own pastry, and Ronan had a hard time not looking at his mouth.  The mouth that had been on his, not 24 hours ago.  This was surreal.  But it was exciting too. 

His heart rate sped up. 

“I live in Henrietta.  Graduated this past Spring.”

“From the university?”  Nate seemed surprised.

“Christ!  No.  From High School.  I’m 18.  How old are you?”

“Twenty One.  I started college a little later than most I guess.”

Ronan just continued speaking.  He didn’t know what to say to that, so he moved on.

“Yeah, well.  I live with my roommate there.  I used to race, but now…I listen to music.  I don’t know.  What do most people do?”

“Do you go to school?”

“No.  I’m done with school.  Didn’t suit me.”

“What do you do for work then?”

“I don’t work.  Don’t need to.”  Ronan could have told him that he does a shit ton of work.  That he basically takes care of Matthew and Noah, and that he is restoring the Barns and that he's pretty much father to a dream child, but he didn’t. 

He didn’t owe this guy anything.  He’d let him draw his own conclusions.

“So…” Nate said into his coffee cup.  “You’re one of _those_.”

The word _those_ was not said like a compliment.

Ronan gave him his most defiant glare.

“Yeah.  I guess I am.”  His eyes could have cut glass.

Nate nodded. 

“How do you feel about maybe, going out to dinner with someone who, unfortunately has to work two jobs while he finishes school?”

That caught Ronan off guard, and made his stomach twist for other reasons that he was ignoring at the moment.  He was expecting judgment.

“That depends.  Who are we talking about here?” Ronan said, smirking over his cup, and leaning back in his chair.  He hadn’t touched the scone.

“Stop fucking with me.” Nate said, as he wedged his foot between Ronan’s under the table.   Ronan tried not to flinch.

“You’re here.  You got to see me again in the light of day, so you can be sure of what I look like, and that I’m not some creepy serial killer or anything.  But I would like to get to know you.  I mean - you’re obviously trying to put me off, but it’s cool; you don’t know me. I get it.  But, I don’t know, last night was fun.  You’re cute.  You’re like a sharp angry puzzle or something, and not to be too forward, but I can’t stop thinking about how soft your lips were”  Nate’s eyes went wide.   “I was expecting something rough from you, but...”  Nate's eyes blazed for a moment and he bit his lip.  Ronan's pulse kicked up to a remarkable pace.  He knew that look.  A blind and deaf monk would know _that_ look. 

For the first time in Ronan’s life his mouth hung open.  He didn’t know what to say.  What the fuck was he supposed to say to that.  Yes, Nate was cute.  Yes, Nate was hitting on him.  And Yes, he couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss either. But is this really how things went down?  It wasn’t how he always imagined it – “dating”, but he also didn’t feel he was in any position to be turning people away.  He never felt like he needed anyone, but if he was being honest with himself, nights were getting lonelier…and this could be, if nothing else, a very fun distraction. 

 

“No dinner.  Let’s go for a drink then.  Right now.”

“You said you were eighteen?” Nate protested.

“Yeah, and I have the best fake you’ve ever seen.  So, do you want to go or not?”

“Definitely.”  Nate responded, dimples on full blast.

 

His smile was too knowing, and his eyes bright with interest.  Was this what he looked like when he looked at Adam?  Christ he hoped not.  There was no way anyone could misinterpret this.

But...what kind of guy would just want to _go out_ with a guy like Ronan?  Did he have a death wish? 

The only other person who had ever shown real interest in Ronan was Kavinsky, and look how well that had played out. 

It made Ronan feel out of his depth.  It made him wonder what was wrong with Nate. 

“I know just the place.” Nate said, standing up suddenly and cocking his head slightly to one side; he was watching Ronan as closely as ever.

Ronan dropped a couple bills on the table for tip, and followed Nate out of the café.

“I’ll drive.”  He insisted.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Gansey and Adam were going to drive home to Henrietta together in the Pig after Adam’s last test.

Adam had even agreed to stay at Monmouth for the holiday.  He’d lived with Gansey this long, so it didn’t feel like as big of a deal as it had before.

Also, he had nowhere else to go.  His apartment above the church had been rented out months ago.  Turns out churches really could use the money, and unless Adam wanted to share a bed with Gwenllian at 300 Fox way, he would be staying at Monmouth.

But Gansey’s last midterm was two days before Adam’s.  He had managed to make it through 24 hours of waiting around before Adam finally kicked him out. 

“GO!”  Adam yelled.  “Oh my God Gansey.  I get it, just go!  I’m sure Blue will be waiting for you.”

Gansey looked stricken, but Adam could tell that the idea must have been already playing around in his mind.  It looked like it pained him.

“I couldn’t.  We said we’d go back together.”

Adam just stared at him, and after a while Gansey added,

“Could your car even make it home?”

“As opposed to what?  The Pig’s excellent track record?   I’ll be fine Gansey.  Go see your girl.”

“She’d kill you for calling her that.”

“Yeah I know.  Just don’t tell her then, huh?”

Gansey managed to shuffle around looking affronted for another thirty minutes before agreeing to Adam’s plan. 

He really did look quite desperate, and while Adam would have probably enjoyed the ride a little more if he drove with Gansey, there was no way he would be able to study with his restless, lovesick energy floating around the way it had been.  Also, the idea of driving alone, through the mountains, made him smile.  He never thought the idea of returning home would illicit anything in him but resentment, but he remembered long night drives with Ronan to nowhere, the dark mountain roads, and cool air whipping through his hair.  The idea seemed better and better by the second. 

 

 

Gansey left only an hour later after throwing all the necessities in trunk, and halfheartedly tried to offer Adam something for gas, since he was “leaving him in the lurch”. 

Adam had managed to decline politely and avoided even the spark of a fight.  He wasn’t thrilled to now be covering 100% of the gas money to get home and back instead of the half he insisted on paying when he thought Gansey would be driving, but it was worth it to get some quiet time. 

Gansey mooning was a black hole of energy, and it was impossible to exist near him and not feel the effects.

 

After his last midterm, Adam felt pretty fucking good.  He knew he did well.  His bags were packed and ready in the trunk of his car, and in about six hours he’d be with his closest friends. 

Adam chucked his backpack onto the passenger seat and settled in, pulling a tape out from the glove compartment for nostalgic reasons.  He put the key in the ignition.

The car sputtered.  It did not start.

 

“No, no, no…not now.”  Adam hissed.

He tried again, but nothing.  It didn’t catch.  Adam went to slam the steering wheel with his fists, but pulled back, tightening his muscles to control his own force, at the last second. 

He took a deep breath, and called the shop where he worked.

* * *

 

Ronan and Nate were each on their second drink.  That made the talking easier. 

Ronan found that he could actually talk to Nate.  He still didn’t talk all that much, but that was okay, because Nate seemed comfortable talking for the both of them.  And he was funny.  Ronan realized that he was funny in that effortless way that Gansey was charming and Adam was fierce and Matthew was sweet.  He had even managed to get Ronan to laugh a couple times.  That seemed to be Nate’s favorite thing about sitting with Ronan, because every time he did, Nate would reach out and touch Ronan's bicep; the last time, his hand lingered and squeezed lightly. 

He wasn’t really sure why he allowed him to do this. 

Ronan wondered if he was trying to prove something now, or maybe he had been trying to prove something his whole life, and now, at this moment, he was finally just letting himself live.

If Ronan thought his eye contact was intense….he could learn a few things from Nate.  Then there was the hand on his knee. 

It had sent a jolt through his body, when it first settled there, but Nate hadn’t moved his hand, and there it stayed. 

It was such a simple touch, really, but not something Ronan had ever experienced, and not a language that Ronan spoke.  His body responded immediately though, every hair stood at attention.  He should hit him. Right?

No, this was good.  It was great, actually. 

Maybe it was awful?

Ronan didn’t know what the fuck he was doing here…but Nate seemed to, and when the hand on his knee moved up a few inches in a caress, Ronan stood.

“I.... should get going.”  Ronan heard himself say, even though his body was screaming at him to lean into the touch, not away.  He could tell that the corners of his mouth had even been twitching up at the corners.  He forced his scowl back in place.

“Yeah, sure.” Nate smiled.  _Always with the god damned dimples._

Ronan downed the rest of his glass and stood.  Nate watched him, his eyes following the movement of Ronan’s throat as he swallowed, and then followed him closely out the door.

When they reached the parking lot, it was already getting dark. 

Nate grabbed Ronan’s arm.  “Thank God!” he groaned, pulling Ronan towards him.

 

Ronan was about to pull away and throw a punch on pure instinct. 

Nobody touched him this way, so rough and sudden, without retaliation.  That was simple Lynch cause & effect.  Everyone he had ever known, knew to stay back, to not touch….but before he could react Nate had him crowded against the outside brick wall of the bar, his lips on his again.

 

“I thought you’d never want to leave.” Nate whispered into Ronan’s neck as soon as he moved off to breathe.

“uh..”  Ronan’s brain was struggling to keep up.

“I’ve been waiting to do that all night!  A crowded bar, isn’t really the best place to hookup.”

The word “hookup” ricocheted around Ronan’s head like boomerang.

This was…good?  Well, it definitely felt good. 

Nate was warm, and he was really cute, and obviously into him.  The tight way he held his body to his told him that.  He could do this.  His body knew what to do. 

So when Nate leaned in close again, pushing his leg between Ronan’s, Ronan grabbed him by the neck and pulled him in for another round.

_Yeah….this was a pretty fucking fantastic distraction._

 

* * *

 

Adam called Ronan from the shop the next morning.  He could fix the car, but it would take a while. 

Adam would have to reschedule coming home though.  By the time he actually got the parts he'd need and then got under the hood, it wouldn't make sense to drive the long way back to Virginia.  He'd just have to wait til Christmas.  His heart sank at the idea of his four best friends spending the holiday together, laughing and catching up….Ronan maybe introducing someone new to them all. 

He wanted to throw his phone against the wall.  For the first time in his life, he understood the impulse.  It made him miss Ronan even more.  

His first instinct was to call him, to tell him about it; the car, the frustration, but he swallowed it down.  It wasn't Ronan's problem.  He didn't need anymore grief, especially any more from Adam.

But he did need to let Ronan know he wouldn't be able to make it home for his big Thanksgiving dinner.

His heart sank, anger turning to familiar disappointment and resignation as he dialed Ronan.

 

 

“No.”  Ronan said. 

“What?"  Adam asked.  "Are you still sleeping?”  For some reason, hearing Ronan's voice and his nonsensical reaction brought Adam's anger front and center again.  He settled into it like a well worn sweater.  This was familiar.  This was fire.  “I mean, I heard you were a bit of a party boy now, but really Lynch, it’s like 11am.”

“Firstly: fuck you.  Second: No.  I’m coming to get you.”

Adam could already hear Ronan shuffling around.  He imagined his long limbs tangled up in silky black sheets, his pale skin slowly exposed as the fabric dragged back and away; his arms flexing, pulling his weight out of his soft, soft bed.

...It didn't sound like anyone was with him. 

Adam flushed at the thought. He could feel his face grow warm, even though no one knew what he was thinking, but he still felt ridiculous that his mind even went there.

“It’ll be an almost 12 hour trip for you….”  Adam wanted to protest better, but the truth was that he really _did_ want to be there.  He wanted to see Noah and Blue and her family...and Ronan.  Badly.  He’d missed them.  Him.  And Adam didn't want to feel like the outsider anymore.  He didn't want to sit alone in his room, reading ahead and eating cereal while the only people he loved in the world (the only people who loved him) celebrated the holiday states away.  He didn't know how he would stand it.  The jealousy.  The longing.

“Yeah.. so?  We’ll be back before your bedtime, Parrish.  Don’t fucking worry.”

“I’m not worried about me!  Just it's six hours here… then another six back.  Adam smirked, ducking his face so no one at the shop could see what was surly playing out across his face.  "I mean - do you even have the stamina for that long of a drive?”

Ronan scoffed.  But Adam could hear the grumble in his throat.  He barley managed to contain his laugh.  He missed this.

“Well, being stuck in a car with you for 6 hours, probably yammering about some preppy bullshit, does sound like a new and unique form of torture, but I'm a big boy.”  Ronan parlayed back.

"Mmm-hmm."  Adam smiled into the receiver.

He could already hear the keys clinking on the other end.  Did Ronan even pause to pee?  Did he pee while talking to Adam?

He blushed again.  Ridiculous.

Adam asked one more time.  Because he had to.

“Are you sure Ronan?  I can give you some gas money.”

“When have I ever complained about driving?  Relax.  I’ll be there around 5 probably.”

“GREAT!”  Adam grimaced at how enthusiastic he sounded.  

“Yeah.  Great.”

“Okay then.  See you soon.  I’m all packed and ready.”

“Bye.”

 

 

Ronan was filling up his tank, eager to get on the open road before he thought of Nate at all, he couldn't help feeling a little bad about it.  He’d been so anxious about the possibility of not seeing Adam, of Adam having to spend yet another holiday alone, he could only think of getting to him as soon as possible. 

In all honestly, Ronan loved to drive.  Twelve hours in the car, would feel like a mini vacation, because it'd give him the excuse to ignore everything else and just _drive._ The fact that six of those hours would be spent in a small enclosed space with one, very long since viewed, Adam Parrish?  Well, that was just the icing on the cake. 

 

Ronan was feeling guilty again, but he wasn't sure why.  Nate had told him he’d call him soon.  But were they dating?  He didn’t think so.  They’d just met.  Sure Nate had grinded up on him a little in a parking lot, but that was just something exciting to pass the time.  Or at least that’s what Ronan thought.  He doubted Nate actually liked him.  Why would he? 

He thought for a moment that he should ask what Nate was looking for, but even thinking the words felt humiliating and terrifying, so he knew he’d never actually be able to say them. 

Nate could have the lead on this one.  He’d just ride it out a little longer.  See what happened.

He was really happy to be seeing Adam. 

 

As Ronan merged onto the highway with a full tank of gas, he felt free in a way that was getting more and more rare.  He wondered if Adam would look different.  They talked often, but he hadn’t seen him since August.  Would he have lost his tan?  All his time stuck inside studying? He laughed a little, thinking of him that way.  What a _nerd_.  

Then he sobered.

Would he have a girlfriend?  Or suddenly want to talk about things Ronan would have no clue or interest in?  Would he be a different person?  Would Adam still consider Ronan one of his best friends?

Suddenly he felt anxious in a new way.  

He pushed the thoughts away.  They were unbearable.

 

Ronan turned the music loud and rolled the windows down so the freezing air whipping through the car would numb his nerves.  This was alright.  He and Adam would be fine.  Just like normal.  Like nothing had changed.  They would always be friends.  He told himself this again and again.  Made it a mantra.  Held the words in his mind like a talisman.

 

* * *

 

 

Adam showered and puttered around all morning waiting for Ronan.  The clocked moved devastatingly slow.  It mocked him. 

He was just excited to see his friend.  That was normal. 

He was also mad that he got greese under his fingernails last night, and it still wouldn’t come off.  Of course he would look cheap the first time he got to see Ronan again.  He scrubbed and scrubbed his hands, but it was no use, so he spent time on his hair.  That was normal too.  Just casual.

He hadn’t seen Ronan in a while and wanted to look nice.  Ronan always looked….well, not exactly _nice_ , but _good_.

Adam hated that he wanted Ronan to like the way he looked; that he wanted Ronan to _notice._  He wasn't totally oblivious to the inner workings of his heart, and it took only a couple weeks of being in New Jersey before Adam noticed and missed the whole in his life from left by Ronan Lynch.  He had grown accustomed to him always being there. The last year Ronan and Adam had even been more inseparable than him and Gansey...then Gansey and Blue.  Some people even thought...well.  It didn't matter, because none of it was true. 

 

Adam roughly scrubbed his hands through his hair and looked in the mirror.  He messed it all up.  Again.  He was going for that, messy rakish look,  He knew he had the wild eyes for it now.  Had had enough people these past months comment on the intensity of his eyes, but he still felt like he just came off as unkempt, so he stole a small glob of Gansey’s superior hair pomade and ran it through his hair, and then went to watch some tv. 

Adam never watched TV.   Unless it was a weekend and Gansey begged him to.  He was usually too busy, but now he was too restless to read and midterms were done, and he was packed already and Ronan wouldn’t bring that guy he was seeing with him to pick him up would he?

What if he had to sit in the small backseat of the BMW while Ronan's new guy regaled him with some shit story about how they met? 

Everything was awful.  The desire to see Ronan alone was so thick in his heart it was making him feel sick.  He just wanted it to be just them.  Just like it used to be.  Just for a little while.  He just wanted....Adam just wanted.

He turned off the TV and sat alone in the room brooding.

 

Ronan called to let Adam know that he was outside.  It wasn't even 4:30. 

And already he knew this was going to be a problem because as Adam walked up to the car, he couldn't take his eyes off him.  

He did look different.  Not much - just more.  Fuck.  

 

Adam threw his bag into the back seat and flopped down into the passenger seat. 

Ronan’s heart plumeted.   Just like old times, his brain supplied.  But now, having been kissed so recently, Ronan was aware of what his mouth could do and how much he liked kissing, and how easy it would be to just lean over and...

“What did you do?  Like 95 the whole way here?”  Adam asked, smiling much to broadly for a boy not wanting to be kissed. His cheeks were pink and lovely.

Ronan laughed.  He needed to shake off this nervous tension because Adam was smiling at him.  Because this felt good.  Because this was so close to being exactly what he wanted.  Naively, he had thought that maybe his feelings for Adam would have subsided a little, but they hadn't.  If anything, its like months worth of needing and missing Adam was all bubbling up at just the sight of him.  Ronan was sure...absolutely _sure_ Adam could see how he was buzzing. 

Adam smiled bigger then, somehow, and that...was new.

No dimples, Ronan thought; just pure Henrietta sunshine.  Perfect.  He hated himself a little more at the thought, but Adam just kept on smiling, so who gave a fuck? 

“I’ve missed you.” Adam said. Then, “You look good.”

Ronan’s brain was static.

“That's what all the boys say.” He said, and Shit - what was wrong with him?  He wanted to punch himself in the nuts.

Adam’s eyes widened, one eyebrow shooting so far north it carried the corner of his mouth right along with it.

"I bet."  He said.  Smirk still firmly in place.

 

 

 

Adam wanted to lean over and hug him.  He almost did, but stilled himself at the last second.  Ronan caught the incomplete gesture.

“Come on, Parrish.” Ronan said, waving his hands like he was calling Adam in for landing.

Don't blush.  Adam commanded himself.  He'd lost his tan, and knew that his ears were burning red.  But, he went anyway.

Ronan leaned over and grabed Adam with one arm.  Adam managed to get both of his around Ronan and sighed.  This was just what he'd needed.  Just Ronan.  It felt like a weight he didn’t realize he’d been carrying was lifted, and it was just too good; it made him forget himself.  Or maybe it just made him brave. 

He tucked his head in the crook of Ronan’s neck, and while he felt Ronan stiffen, he didn't push him away, and Adam wasn't ready to move either.  After a moment Adam felt Ronan relax into the touch.   _Yes_.

Adam breathed in the smell of Ronan.  Ronan sighed.

“Alright, alright.”  Ronan said, finally pulling away.  “I missed you too asshole, now let’s get home.”

 _Home_.  Adam thought.  As if it could be that easy.

 

 

After two hours, they decide a bathroom break was necessary and found a rest stop offering equal amounts of caffeine and greasy food.

Adam was waiting in a line when Ronan stepped out of the men’s room.  Ronan was scanning the area, stretching his arms over his head, pulling them, like he used to do when warming up for a tennis match, and Adam couldn't take his eyes off him.  He did look good.  He shouldn’t have said it before, but it was undeniably true. 

Ronan looked older already and like somehow he fit in his own skin better.  He looks like man,  Adam thought, and ideas started to pool in his belly and heart.

When Ronan spotted him, he grinned lopsidedly and sauntered up to Adam in the line.

“What’s on the menu?”  Ronan asked.

“I don’t care.  I’ll eat anything.”

“I bet you will.” Ronan said.  His words laced with innuendo.

“Really, Lynch?”  Adam laughed.

Ronan held his hand to his heart in mock apology.  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I forgot, you’re a respectable man now.”

Adam jutted his chin out and squared his shoulder up.  "And don’t fucking forget it.”

The smile on Ronan then was causing the flood waters to rise.  Adam felt out of breath.

He watched as Ronan laughed lightly and then bit at his lip while his eyes scanned the menu.  Adam imagined taking that bottom lip between his teeth, sucking on it, and the sound Ronan would make, and how hot his breath would be in his own mouth....

 _FUCK!_  The fantasy had blasted through Adam like a fucking comet.  He was shocked at just how appealing the idea seemed, and how he could feel himself chubbing up right here in the middle of an interstate rest stop.  

He needed to stop staring at Ronan, but he couldn’t help it.  He wondered if this was an entirely new development, or if it was something that he had just suppressed until now. But here, waiting in line at a rest stop KFC, as the smells of bleach and grease filled his nostrils, Adam was very aware of Ronan Lynch, and it was undeniable that he was interested in getting more of him.

Ronan looked at him then.  His head cocked, questioningly.

“You alight?”  He looked concerned.

“Yeah.  Fine."  Adam answered.  "Maybe just a little carsick.”

“The grease will help.  Get a coke too…to coat your  stomach.”

“Yeah…sure.  Thanks.”

Ronan nodded then, and bumped Adam’s shoulder with his own.

 Good thing Ronan couldn't read his mind.  What a mess that would be.  Now as long as he just didn't look down...

 

* * *

 

 

They were only two hours from Henrietta. 

“Do you mind if I use your car charger for my phone?”  Adam asked.  “It died and I can’t remember if I packed mine or not.”

“Sure.  I have an extra at Monmouth too.  Watch out.  Soon you’ll be trolling the internet while you shit like the rest of the population.”

Adam laughed and unplugged Ronan’s phone from the charger.

“Who’s Nate?”  Adam asked.

All the food in Ronan’s stomach turned to cement.

“What?”

“Nate.  You have three unread messages from him.  Want me to read them to you?”

“NO!”  Ronan practically screamed.

“Damn, Lynch!  Why?  Who is Nate?”

“Just a friend.”

“You literally have four friends.  And I know all of them.”

“You don’t know everything.” Ronan hissed.

Adam let that sink in and settle between them.  He didn't like it at all.

Adam took a deep breath and asked, “Is that your boyfriend?”

Ronan went pale….well paler than normal.

“What?  No!   He’s….uh, just some guy.”

“Blue said you met someone.  I was just curious…you never mentioned it to me.”

“I never mentioned it to Blue either!  She just happened to be there.  And no…I don’t have a…a _boyfriend”_

 

 _Was this really happening?_  Ronan thought. 

Was Adam asking him if he was gay, or was that old news and he was just asking if he was dating?

Was he freaked out?  He didn't seem too freaked out.  A little cranky, but nothing out of the ordinary for Adam.

 

“He’s just…someone I hung out with a couple times.  That’s all.”

“Do you like him?”  Adam asked, and Ronan knew that he cheeks were on fire.

“Jesus Parrish!  What’s with the questions?”

“Nothing!  I thought we were friends…that we could talk about people we were dating… or _”just friends with”_.”  Adam actually did air quotes, and Ronan wanted to smack him.

“Okay sure.  What about you then?”  Ronan asked, practically spitting the words.  “Have you been seeing anyone?”

“Me?”  Adam asked innocently.

“Yes, Parrish. You.”

“Well,”  Adam paused for emphasis, or to think about it, or just to torture Ronan.  He wasn't sure.

“I did go out with this one girl a couple times.  It was okay.  She was far too into the whole pledging thing though.  Not really my scene.  So we just sort of stopped hanging out.”

Ronan nodded, hoping this line of conversation was over forever.

Adam looked out the window and picked at his jeans self consciously before adding:

“This guy, Jeff asked me out.”

Ronan gulped, but he did _not_ look at Adam.

“I said ‘no’.” 

Ronan nodded.  There was no reason his heart should feel so heavy.  This was not news. 

“But that’s just because he was a jerk."  Adams words flew out of his mouth in a torrent of anxious speed.  "I mean, I saw him try to intimate our professor once into giving him a better grade, by reminding him how much money his family gave to the school.  It was grotesque.” 

“Yeah.”  Ronan added.  Because he didn’t know what else to say.  He still couldn’t look at him

“He wasn’t too happy when I turned him down.  I think he's used to getting anything he wants because of his family and how good looking he is.”

Ronan laughed.  It was an ugly, strangled thing.

“Oh? He’s super good looking is he?”

“Yeah.”  Adam admitted sheepishly.  Ronan looked at him then, and saw the blush creeping up his neck and to his ears.  Noticed the way he picked at his jeans.

“Like, reeeally good looking, but….still an asshole.”

Ronan laughed again, and Adam smiled, eyes cast down.

“Too bad, Parrish.  Those morals might get in the way of you finally getting to have a sex life.”

 

Adam only let another minute go by in silence before bringing it back up.

“So…tell me about this Nate guy.”

“He’s just a friend.”  Ronan grumbled.

“Ronan…..”  Adam sounded sad.

“ _I said,_ He’s just a friend!”

Adam let it drop.

 

 

They stop one more time to piss and get coffee.

The sun had set, and as Adam, still a little too thin, has started feeling the cold settle into his bones, he reached into his bag in the back seat to find a hoodie to slide on. 

Getting out of the car he held up something neon green to Ronan.

Ronan’s face looked furious.  Still not emoting correctly, Adam noted.

“Is this yours?"  He teased.  He knew it wasn't.   "A little _cool_ for you, I'd think?”

Ronan grabed the slouchy beanie from Adam’s hands and shoved it in his pocket, then walked briskly into the rest stop, not bothering to wait for Adam.

Adam frowned, flexed his fists and relaxed them again, before following after Ronan.

They used the bathroom and ordered their coffees without talking to each other.

 Once back in the car, Adam (ever the stubborn asshole) picked right up where he left off.

“I thought only girls did that.”

“Did what?”  Ronan asked, words clipped short.

“You know, leave something behind…like an earring or something.  So you have to see them again.”

“Is that even a real thing?”  Ronan looked incredulous.

“Yeah.  I mean, I heard it is.”

“Are you sure Nate thinks you’re _just friends_?”

“Why are you so intent on talking about this?”  Ronan demands, as he puts the car into reverse a little too quickly for the crowded lot.

“Well, I don’t know!  Are you dating someone?  You never told me!”

“You’re not my mother Parrish."

“Yeah, just your _friend_.”  Adam said, like his meaning should be clear.

“Yeah…..just my _friend_.”  Ronan said, like it was an accusation.

At least some things never change, Ronan thought.  They still royally piss each other off.

 

* * *

 

Adam walked into Monmouth that night to whoops and cheers and kisses and hugs.  Somehow Gansey seemed the most excited to see him, like they hadn’t just been together two days ago.

Blue gave Adam the tightest hug of his life, and while she was wearing a necklace with a bead on it the size of a plum, which dug painfully into Adam’s chest, he didn't pull away.  This felt good.  It felt really good.  Almost like what he imagined home would feel like.

They gathered around chatting, throwing food, teasing each other like no time had passed at all.  Adam still caught Ronan’s eyes falling on him throughout the night and even that felt familiar.

Gansey and Blue were in rapture, wrapped in each others arms, and Noah was practically vibrating with all the energy surrounding them all.  Noah had tried to get Ronan to call  Nate and invite him over twice, but the second time, Ronan swore he’d salt his bones if he brought it up again, so Noah stayed quiet.

Adam wondered what Nate looked like, and he could see that Gansey was just as curious, but Ronan was in no mood to share.

 

It was pretty late, so when Gansey left to drive Blue home, and Ronan hopped in the shower, Adam took the opportunity to ask Noah about it.

 

“What’s he like?”  Adam asked.  “Does Ronan seem to really like him?”

Noah’s face twisted up in a kind of knowing grin that Adam didn’t like very much, but he pressed on anyway.

“I wasn’t there the last time they hung out."  Noah said.  "Only when they met, but Nate is older.  I think at least 21?  He’s hot too - I mean, I’m dead, and I’d bone him.”

Adam choked a little at Noah's last comment.  "Ah.  That's good.  I guess."

“He seemed to really like Ronan, I think.  I mean, most people shy away from him because….well - you know, but Nate just kept talking to him, making him laugh.  Can you believe that?  Ronan laughing.  He’s funny, I think.  Or at least Ronan thinks he’s funny.”

Noah leaned in for this last part, because the water in the kitchen/bathroom/laundry turned off suddenly.

“And Ronan didn’t tell me this personally, but I happen to _know_ , that Nate is one hell of kisser.”

Adam thought he’d be sick.  He'd wanted to know so badly but now he wished he didn’t at all.  He wanted to give all Noah words back.  Didn't like the idea of someone else making Ronan laugh, liking him so much, kissing him.

He noticed that Noah’s eyes were black and wide and seemed to be studying Adam too closely.  He hoped his own thoughts weren't so accessible.  He tried to think of something else.

 

Ronan came out then in nothing but boxer briefs snugly fit around his narrow waist.  Adam gulped. 

It wasn’t good to see Ronan like this when his mind was full of thoughts of kissing, and lips, and….water that was still dropping slowly down Ronan’s chest….

Noah looked between the two of them and then walked to his bedroom without a word, closing the door quietly behind him.

“Do you need to jump in?  I might have used all the hot water.”

“No, I’m good.  Showered before you got me.”

Ronan nodded.  “Okay, then.  Goodnight.”

“Rude!”  Adam said, laughing a little at Ronan's sudden briskness.  “I need…a, a pillow and a blanket or something.”

Ronan grinned viciously, and Adam was suddenly worried about what was coming next.

“Oh! Right.  Follow me!”

Adam followed Ronan into his room.  It was a fucking mess.  Worse than when Gansey lived here, but Adam guessed that that made sense.  No one was looking after Ronan now.

“Here you go Parrish.”  Ronan pointed to a spot on the floor next to his bed.  Most of the floor was covered with clothes and probable dream things, but Ronan cleared one patch of floor with his foot, making the dusty hardwood visible.  A perfectly Adam-sized spot.

Adam looked up at Ronan.

“So, payback, huh?”  Adam snorted.  “You know, I never _made_ you sleep on my floor."

Ronan shrugged.

"I didn’t think you were the vengeful type, Lynch.  Scratch that.  Of course you are.”

Ronan laughed, but looked away and tugged on a t-shirt he pulled out from his dresser, but when he turned back around, Adam was shimming out of his pants, having kicked his sneakers off. 

Ronan turned away, not as quickly as he used to, but managed to pull his eyes away from Adam’s bent over form, before Adam could turn back and catch him looking.

Adam folded his pants and tucked them back in his bag and then crawled into Ronan’s bed.

“Uh..What are you doing?” Ronan asked.  Working to keep his words steady while his heart burrowed it's way into his throat.

“Come on.  Don’t be a dick."  Adam whined. "I was shitty.  I get it.  But my bed was so small and yours is so big." He said sweeping his hands over the sheets.

Ronan had a hard time looking at him there, all laid out, tan skin against the black of his sheets.

"I wont be able to sleep on the floor.  I don’t know how you ever did.”  Adam continued.

Ronan grumbled, trying to sound put out, but mostly just trying not to speak; he wasn't sure how he would sound.  It wasn't like this was new.  Well, Adam in his bed _was_ new.  But they had slept side by side before.  Not like this though, his brain unhelpfully supplied.  He walked to the wall, and shut off the light before sliding into bed next to Adam.  They didn’t touch.

He wasn’t sure what Adam was doing.  He didn’t really expect Adam to sleep on the floor.  He figured he’d sleep in Noah’s room.  Adam knew that Noah didn’t really sleep in there….it’s just an empty room probably, at least sheets would smell better than Ronan's.  But Adam snuggles down next to him, rolling on his side, burrowing his face into Ronan’s pillow like it's something sweet.

He could tell Adam was facing him.  He could feel his breath in his skin, and the heat coming off his body. 

“Will your _boyfriend_ mind that I’m sleeping in here?” Adam asked.

“I will kick your ass on the floor.”

“No!  I mean it.  Will he?”  Adam pressed as he hit the pillow a couple times to soften it up.

“I don’t have a boyfriend, Parrish.”

"Noah said you guys hooked up."

Ronan groaned, covering his face with his hands, and tried to calm his nerves.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.  Can’t he just stay out of my goddamn head?”

“It’s not 100% his fault.  I asked.” Adam said.

Ronan turned on Adam then.  Their bodies were so close, facing each other, knees grazing, breath meeting hot between the pillows.

“Why?"  Ronan's voice came out softer now, angry, but with a hint a agony.  "I just...I just don’t want to talk about that Okay?”

“Do you like him?”  Adam was nothing if not persistent.  

“Fuck!  Did you not just hear what I said?” 

“Can I just ask you something though?  Like, friend to friend?”

Ronan flopped back onto his back.

“Sure.  Whatever."

“What’s it like?  Kissing a boy, I mean.”

Ronan had to close his eyes.  Everything in his body was screaming for him to just _show_ Adam what it was like.  All he would have to do is roll over.  That would be it.  He could already feel Adam’s leg, and it would be so easy to catch his lips too. 

He used to imagine Adam being disgusted with him, pushing him away, or worse, loosing him as a friend altogether, if he ever dared to try anything more. 

But now…now he's not so sure.  What Adam had said in the car felt important, and now he was choosing to sleep next to Ronan, and asking him about kissing…about kissing boys.  So, he’d tell him.

“It’s great.” Ronan spoke with utter indifference. 

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“So – are you?  You're gay? or…”

“Yes.”

“Gay?”

“Yes.”  The trigger was pulled.

“Oh.”

“ _Oh.”_ Ronan said, mimicking him.

“I’m….” Adam tired to say something, but the words got stuck on his tongue.

Ronan waited.  His heart hammering away in his chest.

“I’m pretty sure I’m not 100% straight.”  Adam finally admitted.

“Hmmm.”  Ronan couldn’t manage anything else.  His brain was an endless void.

“I mean?  I like girls -  a lot.  I do.  But – I like guys too.  I've had chances, but it’s… I've never, so I don’t really know.  For sure, I mean.”

Ronan felt like this was the part where he should say something.  He wished his imagination would chill the fuck out.  His brain and body were excited to a level that was not okay for night-time confessions with a friend.  Adam was not looking for Ronan to paw at him, like some half-crazed animal.  This was not an invitation.  He was just looking for someone to confide in.  He tired to sound supportive, and not so breathy when we said,

“Um..Well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

Adam took a deep breath.  And gathered all his nerve.  Being so close to the layline again helped.

“You could help me.”  Adam said, by sheer force of will.

Okay.... _that_ sort of sounded like an invitation.

“Help you with what?” Ronan asked.  This felt too acutely like something he would dream for him to not ask for clarification.

“Well, you said you don’t have a boyfriend.  And I’ve never kissed a guy before.  And you’re my best friend, and I trust you, so….I don’t know – I just thought…”

“Are you asking to _experiment_ with me?  Really?"

“Maybe?”

Ronan laughed. He was going mad.  He was unraveling.

“I don’t know what your…um, _type_ is, but..."  Adam continued, hated the hesitancy in his voice and tried to plaster on some fake bravado to mask it.  "But, I've been told I'm not too bad in this area, actually, so it might actually be pretty good.”  He tried to smile, to pull off some of that Ronan callousness, but he felt so untethered he was liable to float away if Ronan so much a rolled his eyes at him.

“Are you for real right now?"  Ronan asked, turning to look at him again.  Eyes blazing.  Adam couldn't tell if he wanted to fall into them, or back away from them.  "Like 100%?  You want me to kiss you right now to see if you're, what?  Bisexual or something?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”  Ronan's sarcasm was a ocean to drown in.

 

“God! I’m not expecting you to get super into it or anything…I know you don’t…that I …UGH!  I don’t know.  Maybe this was a stupid idea.”

“Okay.”  Ronan said.  Because is was an idiot.

“Really?”  Ronan hated that he heard the hopefulness in Adam’s voice. 

 _Just an experiment._   He told himself.  _Just doing Adam a favor._ Riiiiggghhttt.

“Are you going to freak out as soon as I touch you?”  Ronan asked.

“I’m not homophobic.  And we’ve touched before.”

“True.  But not like….”  Ronan pulled Adam closer and shoved a leg between his.  “Like this.”

He could feel Adam’s pulse pick up, was almost positive he felt a lengthening bulge against the top of his thigh, which took all of his strength not to look down at.  He wished he had kept the lights on for a better view.  But he also knew the darkness lent them both some bravery.  He held tight, waiting for Adam's decision, and praying that he couldn't feel his hands shaking.

He just had to work on not getting hard.  What was he thinking with wrapping himself around Adam this way?  It was just supposed to be a kiss.  Simple.  Was he trying to scare Adam away?

But Adam didn’t push him away, he just wrapped his arms around Ronan’s neck and waited.

“You do it.”  Ronan said.  He couldn't breathe.

Adam nodded, and then leaned in before he lost his nerve.

First, Adam took Ronan’s bottom lip, just like he had wanted to.  He didn’t really even kiss him right away, he just took Ronan’s lip between his and sucked lightly, ran his tongue over it, let himself feel Ronan and get lost in him.  He couldn't let himself worry too much about what Ronan was thinking of him right now.  This might be all he ever got, so he needed to take what he could and savor it.  He thought, maybe he should try to reign himself in, not let himself get caught in the taste of Ronan's lips and the press of his body against his.  So firm, but pliant.  This was not a hookup.  This was just a test.  Right?  

Ronan stayed still.  He let Adam lead.  He was giving Adam this.  Letting him feel his way.  Letting him see what he was comfortable with.

Adam pulled Ronan closer, pushing into him, and when he started moving his lips, Ronan finally, finally kissed back. 

It _was_ great. Adam thought.  Heat was spreading through his body, and he could feel himself growing - getting even harder between them.  He tired to pull his hips back a little, so Ronan wouldn’t feel him, excited this easily, but Ronan pulled him closer, not letting him hide from it.  Somehow that turned him on more.  Knowing that Ronan would know…that Ronan could always see through his attempts to hide.  No secrets between them anymore.

He opened his mouth and felt Ronan’s tongue come inside.  He was all heat and unexpected softness.  Just Ronan. Ronan _was_ fire, which made sense because Adam was burning.

Adam tightened his grip around Ronan’s neck and pulled himself closer.  He felt more than heard a small moan escape from Ronan's lips as he rolled his hips against him for the first time.

It was better than he expected.  So much better.  Ronan smelled so good. and the little hairs at the base of his neck made Adam want to sink his teeth in there.  He wanted to bite.  He wanted to maul him quite savagely. 

“Ronan…”  Adam whined.

It was then that Ronan stilled.

He pulled away a little.

“Adam…?”

Adam looked down, embarrassed, but all he could see now was his and Ronan’s erections straining against their shorts between them.  He was going to loose it.

“I’m sorry.”  Adam said.  “Was that too much?”

Ronan cleared his throat.  He didn't answer.

“You were right though.”

“Hmm?” Ronan asked.

“It’s great.  That was great.”

Ronan smiled.  And even in the dark, Adam thought he could see him blushing.

“Do you want to stop?” Adam asked.

“Not done _experimenting_?”  Ronan asked, with some lingering resentment.

“Not done kissing you.”  Adam answered, and Ronan let himself be pushed back by Adams magic hands.

 

 

They didn’t do more than kiss.  Well, kiss and some mild groping.  

“So…Nate?”  Adam asked after when they lay side by side, catching their breath, and trying to pretend they both weren't desperate to get off.

“I don’t know.” Ronan sighed.  He didn’t like thinking of Nate right now.  He never thought he’d be kissing two different people in the span of two days, but he never thought Adam was an option.  He still wasn't sure.

“Do you like him?”

“I don’t know.”  Ronan answered truthfully.

Adam just nodded.  Curling himself into Ronan.  Ronan welcomed it, wrapping an arm around Adam, and trying to discreetly smell his hair. 

Running his fingers through it while they had kissed was one of the highlights of his life.  And when he pulled, garnering a gasp from Adam's red swollen lips, he worried he’d come on the spot.  The vision alone would stay with him until his last days, he was sure.

“I used to like someone.”  Ronan said lightly, thumb running back and forth over Adam’s hip.

“Yeah?  How’d that work out?”

“Shittily.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

Adam woke up slow and smiling.  His first conscious thought was how _good_ he felt.  He stretched lazily and all his limbs felt loose and lovely, and…. _OH MY GOD!_  

He took it all in.  Let the memory wash over him and tried not to freak out.  It’s OK.  He and Ronan were friends.  Ronan wouldn't hate him.  This would not wreck them.  It wouldn't

But Adam couldn't help but notice that he woke up alone in Ronan’s bed, so there was  _that._

_Okay Adam.  Think.  Catalog what’s happened.  Get your mind ahead of it._

Christ he was hard.  He needed to jerk off.  He wanted to go find Ronan and do everything they did last night and more.  He wanted to brush his teeth first.

There was a buzzing next to him, and he realizes that’s what must have finally woke him.  Without thinking too much about it, his mind is already too full, a swarm of questions and maybes, he doesn’t even realize what he’s done until after he's picked up Ronan’s phone, and sees it. 

Ronan’s first texts of the morning:

 

-We did drinks last time, so how bout food tonight?

-I want to see more of you  ;)

                         

Adam just stared dumbly at the screen.  He hates Nate.  Irrationally, but still, it's there.  Then, just as quickly he's filled with shame for snooping, and something shockingly similar to jealousy, and there’s a whole lot of anger. 

Then more shame.  He has no right.  He wishes he could just break the phone, or change Ronan’s number.

Who is this guy, texting Ronan at what...? _Oh shit!_ It’s after 11am?  Adam never sleeps this late.  _Huh?_

Still!  He just flirts with Ronan over text?  A winky face?  Really?

But Adam has no right.  He shouldn’t have seen that message.  It wasn’t for him.  Ronan has his own life.  At least Adam guessed he did.  For so long, it seemed like all each of them had in terms of “a life” was each other and Glendower; but now?  Of course Ronan would want company.  Look at him!

All of Adam’s bones ached.  What happened to the sweet languid make out fantasy of a minute ago?  He had to work to fight down the jealousy that was taking him over, fierce and consuming.  _Ronan was his._

He thought this so absolutely, so without hesitation or doubt that he almost choked on it. 

His breath left him all at once in a great heave of self hate.  Then Adam felt it.  Cabeswater, reaching out, just like it always used to.

Shadows that look like twisting vines made their way down Ronan’s bedroom walls, and the scent of the Forest in the spring, all alive with life and _newness_ filled the air.

Adam reached out; he let it in.  Taking a deep breath, he placed one hand on the wall next to him, a shadowed vine found his hand and curled around his fingers until a small white flower started to bloom there.

Jasmine.  Adam laughed.  He was startled enough to laugh loudly, and he momentarily freezes, worried that someone will come in, knowing he’s actually awake and find him shirtless and mildly hysterical in Ronan’s bed. 

 _Of course_ it’s Jasmine.  Persephone used to put it in her tea, a favorite for reducing stress.  Cabeswater was trying to help calm Adam down.  But more acutely, and he remembers this from a book he’d read of Gansey’s, one long and boring night of looking for clues on the symbolism of plants, Jasmine represented love.  Not just any love, but eternal love and sensuality.  Adam plucked the flower from the vine, and held it in his hand. 

He let himself fall back on the bed.  He didn’t feel like he was going to have a panic attack anymore, but Cabeswater was practically smacking him in the face with this whole Jasmine-vines-filling-up-Ronan’s-bedroom thing, that he still needed a moment to absorb it all.

He had woken up feeling better than he maybe ever had.  Was that because of what happened with Ronan?  _Yes.  It was.  He knew it._

But maybe Adam was too late now?  He’d certainly taken long enough to come to this realization.  _God!_ He already wanted to kiss Ronan again.  Badly.  He wished he’d woken up in his arms. He wanted Ronan’s voice to be at his ear first thing in the morning, and his hands…oh god.  His hands! 

That reminded him.  He needed to find his shirt.

Finding it crumpled up under the sheets at the bottom of the bed, Adam put in on, and stood up to pull on his jeans. 

He didn’t think Ronan would be the kind of guy to lie about dating someone.  No.  That wasn’t Ronan.  But this Nate guy…Adam couldn’t help feeling sick about it.  Who else got to touch Ronan?  And would Ronan ever let him touch him again?  He had no right to expect it.  All he did last night was TAKE from Ronan, like he always did, like he always would.  He asked Ronan for this - to “experiment”. 

That’s what Ronan thought last night was. 

Sure, it had gone a little further than just an experimental kiss, and Adam had managed to elicit some groans out of Ronan that had made his toes curl, and his groin throbbed even now just thinking about it….but – he’d offered Ronan nothing.  What could someone like Adam possibly offer someone like Ronan? 

 _Nothing_ , was the answer.  Adam had absolutely nothing to offer.

He ran one hand through his hair and went out into Monmouth to see who was home.

 

* * *

 

 

Ronan watched Adam stumble sleepily out of his bedroom, **_his bedroom_ ,** hand running through his messy hair.  He looked rumpled and sleep worn, and terribly sexy.  Ronan’s stomach actually growls.  He wanted to die.  What would Adam think of him today?  He hadn’t taken advantage of his friend right?  Adam had asked to be kissed.  _He asked!_   But had Ronan not given him enough time to change his mind - did he push too much on a friend who had out right admitted to being confused? 

Ronan felt sick.  He wanted to know what Adam was thinking.  He wanted to know they were OK.  He wanted to push his hands through Adam’s hair, grip and pull, and push and push until they fell back into bed, and stayed there the rest of his vacation.

He watched Adam and saw the moment he was seen.  Adam held his gaze for a moment, blushed and then looked down, he stopped moving forward.

 _Okay?_ Not the worst reaction….Ronan guessed.

“There’s coffee.  Still hot.”  Ronan said, sipping at his own mug.

Adam noded and shuffled into the kitchen to pour himself a cup.  Ronan watched – every step – because he could.  Because he’d been without this for months and his heart already ached at how quickly he'd lose it again. 

Once Adam filled his cup, he walked over to Ronan at the pool table. Adam smiled at him, but Ronan couldn't smile back.  Not yet.  He felt too raw.  Too seen.  And he wasn't entirely sure what was going to come next.

Adam raised his hand, and at first Ronan was torn between whether he was going to get hit or caressed.  But before he could find out, Adam droped his hand back to his side, and took another sip of his coffee instead.

“Thanks.” Adam said as he stood next to Ronan,  their shoulders touching.

“For what?”  Ronan asked.

“The coffee.  Obviously." Adam smirked.

Ronan smirked back.  “Obviously.”

“Annnd…for the other thing."  Adam said.  "For last night.  Thanks.”

Ronan still didn’t know what to say.  So he bumped Adam’s shoulder instead.

Adam bumped him back.

“I think I should go into Cabeswater at some point today.”  Adam said after a tense silence.

“We could do that.  I bet Gansey will be itching to go as well.”

“Yeah, well I think it’s getting impatient.  Your room may or may not be currently taken over by magical forest vines.”

Ronan laughed.  There was so much he wanted to say to Adam then, but all their time apart had not miraculously made either of them better at talking.  He thought about last night.  He wanted to bring it up.  He was terrified to, but he needed to know where they stood.  Things were different now.  They were older, they’d kissed, and he needed to be able to move forward.

He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.   Ronan bumped Adam’s shoulder again, and Adam smiled at him.  Really smiled.  That was something.

“Hey.”  Ronan managed.

“hmmm?”

He dove right in.

“I don’t…I hope last night doesn’t change anything.”

“What?”  Adam asked.  His face was doing something complicated and his smile disappeared completely. 

 _Shit!  I should have just kept my fucking mouth shut._ Ronan thought miserably.

Before he could recover though, to try and dig himself out of this hole, Adam asked,

“Are you mad at me?”

“WHAT?”  Ronan yelled and Adam flinched.

The volume of his voice caught him off guard.  _What the fuck was wrong with him?_  He was unraveling.  How did Adam always manage to reduce him to this?

“No.  Adam...” Ronan said, softer this time.  “Why would I be mad at you?”

“I don’t know.  I was worried….maybe I put you in a bad spot.”

“You didn’t.”  Ronan said honestly.

“Good.  Thanks.”

“You said that already.”  Ronan grinned.

“Don’t be a shit.” 

“Who’s being a shit?”  Gansey asked as he walked into the apartment with a large bag of fresh bagels.  They smelled good, but Adam’s nose crinkled.  Ronan noticed.

“Oh, too good for Henrietta bagels now?  Are you one of those _I only eat New York Bagels_ snobs now?”

Adam laughed.  “Hey!  Don’t talk until you’ve experienced.  There _is_ a difference!”

“I _have_ experienced.”  Ronan reminded him.  “I just think people are full of shit.”

“Okay.”  Adam acquiesced.  “I’ll admit to being a bagel snob, but you’re just a general one.”

Ronan shrugged, unbothered and sauntered up to Gansey to grab a bagel from the bag.

“Thanks Dick!”

Gansey frowned, then looked between Adam and Ronan, and then looked again; as if there was an invisible string tying the two of them together.  He looked confused but intrigued, like he always did when pouring over a new book.  “What’s going on here?”  He asked.

Adam flushed red.  Ronan just shoved half a bagel into his open mouth.  Gansey and Adam both grimaced at him. 

Ronan shrugged again.  “Whatever.”  He mumbled over the food in his mouth, not able to close his lips completely over it.  “I’m getting in the shower.”  He sauntered into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Gansey looked to Adam.

“Good morning.”  Adam said.

Gansey’s eyebrow rose slightly.

“What?”  Adam asked. 

“Oh…Nothing.”

“Any plans with Blue today?”

“Not really.”  Gansey looked pleased to be able to talk about Blue and not having to be the one to bring her up.   “Blue and I wanted to catch up with you guys and see if you had any ideas.”

Adam nodded.  “I was actually hoping to go into Cabeswater today.  It’s been…um, reaching out.”

“GREAT!” Gansey beamed.  “Like old times!”

“Not that old.”  Adam reminded him.  “Just a couple months.”

“Right.  Still.”

“Where’s Blue then?”  Adam asked.  He hadn’t seen her come in, but figured she and Gansey would be connected at the hip for the entirety of their vacation.

“She and Calla and her mom went to visit Persephone’s grave.  They wanted to make it look nice for Thanksgiving.”

Gansey watched Adam carefully as he spoke.

Adam just nodded.  Felt the familiar knife in his gut.

“That’s nice.  I’d like to stop by too, before we go back.”

Gansey nodded, and clapped Adam on the shoulder, then handed him a bagel. 

“Eat up!  Cream cheese is in the bag!”

 

* * *

 

 

Ronan looked at himself in the small bathroom mirror.  He didn’t _look_ any different; he sure as hell felt different though.  Not in the trivial way that you sometimes feel when you have a birthday, or you shave for the first time, but different in the way he expects people feel when they find out they’ve been adopted, different in the way he felt when he realized he could take things out of his dreams.  Ronan was changed.  And it wasn’t because he had finally kissed a boy; (though he _had_ been waiting on _that_ for years) it was because he kissed _the_ boy.  Adam.  
He had to admit that something had shifted into place when Nate kissed him the other night.  It wasn’t exactly an “ah ha” moment, but it had made him feel good to know that he was right; that this is what he should be doing.  It secured some sort of self-knowledge in him; Nate had been the Pepto-Bismol to his sour stomach...but Adam.  This was where it got tricky. 

He felt like kissing Adam had changed him.  He didn’t know why he told Adam that he hoped nothing changed between them.  Who was he kidding?  Everything had changed.  At least on his end.  Having one small part of something with Adam didn’t quell his thirst for him at all.  If anything it exacerbated it.  Now he _knew_ what Adam’s breath felt like ghosting over his lips.  He knew the way Adam sounded when Ronan pulled his hair.  He knew what his skin felt like, damp and hot, heart beating wildly beneath his ribs. 

He’d never forget.  And it would never be enough.

The crazy part, the part that he had been sure would be an impossibility, was that Adam had seemed to enjoy it... _a lot._   The first time Adam pushed up, lightly at first, against him, and Ronan had felt Adam’s dick hard between them, he was sure, absolutely sure, _for certain_ , that he was dreaming.  

He must have fallen asleep next to Adam, and the dream took it from there, inserting some mild wish fulfillment on Ronan’s end.  But part of Ronan’s bed sheets had gotten wrapped up around his hand so he couldn’t get to Adam’s skin.  He kept trying to find his way out of it without taking his lips from Adam’s, but every time he reached out there was still the damn sheet separating his hand from Adam’s skin.  He was getting frustrated - in more ways than one.  He couldn’t touch.  He _needed_ to touch!

“What the fucking shit!” he cursed pushing Adam away for a moment to work his hand free. 

Adam looked stunned for a second, moving away further to sit up on his knees, but then realizing what the problem was, asked

“Can I touch you too?”

That’s when Ronan knew it was real.  Clarity was a bucket of cold water dumped over him. 

Dream Adam never asked.  He never needed to.  There was an understanding there. 

But this Adam was fallible, wild and flushed, but nervous too; he was really asking. 

He didn’t know what the answer would be. 

Ronan reached for them hem of his own shirt and pulled it over his head. 

Adam smiled at him then in a way that made heat spread through Ronan’s body at lightning speed. 

Adam’s eyes were wide, as they raced over his body in a hungry way that Ronan had never seen on another person in real life…especially not Adam. 

Decidedly _not_ 100% straight.  Ronan thought with barely constrained glee.  Cautiously, he put his hand on Adam’s knee.  Adam looked down at the contact, and then back to Ronan.  Their eyes met, and Ronan thought, even if this _was_ just an experiment for Adam, it was going well - there was something here.  Ronan knew it.  It couldn’t be all one sided.  Adam looked at him like….like….

But then Adam was lifting his own shirt over his head.  And Ronan stopped thinking all together.  

Adam had gotten bigger in just his couple months away.  He must have been eating better, because while he was still on the thin side, he wasn’t scrawny.  He was toned, with an easy definition to his arms and stomach, and somehow still tan; so without waiting a second longer (he had already waited so long) Ronan reached out and ran his hands up Adam’s arms - from his wrists, to his elbows – from his elbows, to his biceps – from his biceps, to his neck.  Adam had let his eyes fall closed at the touch.

 _He likes this._   Ronan thought.  It was a revelation, to have Adam enjoy being touched by him.  It was a gift.  It was everything. 

Adam groaned as Ronan tightened his grip around his neck, just firm enough.

_He likes this a lot._

Ronan’s control was lost then.  He pulled Adam back down, kissing him hard, deep.  They clung together, rocking slightly, chest to chest.  It was perfect.

 

 _It might be the end._ Ronan thought as the water ran from the shower head, down his skin and down the drain.

_Maybe.  But…._

_maybe not._    Ronan could hope.

 

Ronan walked out of the bathroom in nothing but their smallest towel wrapped around his waist, because, why the hell not.  Not like Adam hadn’t seen (or felt) most of him last night anyway. 

Ronan couldn’t bother to keep up any guises.

“God!  Ronan!  Can you believe I managed to go three months without seeing your bare ass?  You know, I can’t say that I've missed it.”  Gansey scolded, like the mother he was.

Ronan looked over his shoulder to wink before disappearing into his room,

“That's okay.  Parrish missed it enough for the both of you.”  He shut the door.

Gansey looked back at Adam expecting to see him looking just as confused, but Adam looked positively mortified.

“Oh!  Got it.”  Gansey said with a polite smile.

“What?”  Adam coughed, feeling suddenly out of breath.

“Do you want to shower before we go or…?”

“Yeah.  Thanks.” Adam said quickly, grateful, for once, for the impeccable and gracious manners of Richard Campbell Gansey the III.

Gansey looked down at his phone.  It must have buzzed. 

“Great!  Blue’s on her way back.  I’ll go pick her up….do you think you can ready in 45?”

“Yeah.  Sounds good.”

 

Gansey headed for the door.  Adam went to get his bag. 

He knocked on Ronan’s door before entering.  He didn’t need any more awkwardness between them.  He was going to be careful.

“WHAT?” Ronan yelled through the door.

“I need my bag, shithead.” Adam hissed.  Still a little embarrassed about the whole towel/ Gansey thing.

“So what?”  Ronan was snarling.

Adam walked in; he wouldn’t argue with Ronan through the door; he especially wouldn’t argue irrationally, which seemed to be the only way Ronan did it.

If he was still undressed it was his own fault.  He’d given him warning. 

When Adam walked in though, Ronan stood by the open window, arm starched out into the cold Henrietta air for Chainsaw. 

He was in tattered jeans and a T-shirt that clung appealingly to his damp chest.  Adam tried not to look too interested, but he knew how all that skin felt now, and it was hard to resist reaching out to it again.

Chainsaw grabbed onto Ronan’s arm, and he carried her gingerly inside, stroking her inky feathers. 

The intensity at which Ronan doted on the bird, was matched only by Chainsaw’s tireless love and devotion.  They were a striking pair.  They drew Adam in – a lost little family – dreamer and dream.

Adam walked to Ronan, reached out and touched, only lightly on the top of his shoulder.  Ronan’s posture faltered under the contact, but he didn’t pull away.  Adam let his fingers curl around his arm, and went closer still.  Ronan was always drawing him in. 

“Should we talk?”  Adam asked.

“What the fuck about?”

“You know.”

“Do I?”  Ronan’s voice had an edge to it now.

“Ronan… I don’t know what came over me last night.”

“I bet.”  Ronan growled.

“It was great though.  I meant that.”

Adam waited for anything from Ronan, but he stayed quiet.

“Was it…was it okay?  For you, I mean?”  Adam asked.

There it was in his voice again, Ronan heard it, the hopefulness.  Or at least he thought he did.  He hated hearing it.  It made him want to be brave with him, but there were year’s worth of reasons why he thought that would be a mistake.

“It was great Parrish.  Fine.  I hope you figured out what you needed to.” 

“I…”  Adam didn’t know what to say.  Ronan’s shields were up.  He opened his drawers roughly and pulled out a mismatched pair of socks, then sat on his bed to put them on.  Chainsaw squawked and flew to her perch on the nightstand.

“If you want to be ready to go… you better hurry up.”  Ronan said.  His head hung low, he was paying too much attention to his feet.

Adam could see clearly how this would all play out.  Ronan was shutting him out.  He wouldn’t talk about last night again.  They’d go to Cabeswater, then probably to Nino’s, and things would slip into the norm, their usual pattern of avoidance and complacency. 

 _Fuck that!_   Adam thought.  “Fuck this!”  He said. 

Ronan looked up at him, irritation on his face.  He clearly thought that was _his_ line.

Adam strode up to Ronan, quickly slung one leg over his, practically pinning him to the bed, pulled his chin up, and kissed him. 

Adam’s hands grabbed at Ronan’s back, twisting his T-shirt in his hands.  He ran his fingers over the prickly hairs on his head, and pushed himself against him so hard that Ronan fell back onto his mattress.

It only took a moment for Ronan to respond.

His hands worked their way under Adam’s shirt, he bit at Adam’s lips and wound his fingers back in his hair. 

They kissed like they fought.  Both equal in determination and frustration.

Ronan’s hands grazed over Adam’s lower back and when his fingers dipped just barely into the pursed waistband of Adam’s jeans, Adam moaned into Ronan’s mouth.

Ronan pulled back, the sound shocking him into reality.  “Shit - Adam!  What’s going on?  This is a little more than _just seeing how it feels._ ”

“I know!”  Adam whined, as he leaned back onto his knees.  He raked his hands down his cheeks.  “I’m sorry.  I don’t want to push you.  I just…I like you Ronan.  I like you a lot.  I know we’re friends but maybe, I thought, there could be more.”

“Like what?”  Ronan demanded.  “Friends with benefits?  I’m not into being the guy you fuck when you’re home on break Adam!”

“What?  NO!  Ronan….I mean, I _like -_ like you.”

Ronan looked doubtful.

“Can’t you tell?  I mean, isn’t it obvious?”

Ronan looked Adam up and down, like maybe something was just dawning on him.

“No.  Never.”  Ronan answered softly, shaking his head.

“Ronan…I hate being away from you.  I never wanted to come back to Henrietta.  And in a lot of ways I still don’t.  But – with you…I want to come back,  to you.  To us.”

“Us?”

“Yes.”  Adam leaned down and kissed Ronan again.  “Right?”

Ronan smiled up at Adam.  He wasn’t always great with the words, so he took Adam by the neck again, the way he liked it, and pulled him back into another searing kiss.  Adam stretched himself out over Ronan, toes to chest, and thrilled that Ronan allowed it.

He reveled in feeling all of Ronan under him; how strong he felt, how full of magic he was.  Adam held himself above Ronan just barely; just enough not to not squash the air out of him.

If only he could find a way to keep the air in _him_.  Ronan had him breathless.  His heart was a hammer, beating out of sync.

“Adam…”Ronan spoke, hot and gravely in his ear, “This is what you want?”

“Completely” Adam said over Ronan’s lips before licking them.

“Uggghhhh.”  Ronan moaned as his head fell back against the pillow again.

“Shit!” Adam hissed! 

“What?”

“Gansey is coming right back.  He just left to pick Blue up.  We were all going to go to Cabeswater.”

“Okay.” Ronan said, easy as pie, easy like they weren’t pressed up against each other, hands in all the right places.  “Go get in the shower.  Hurry up.”

“Easy for you to say!”  Adam huffed, not wanting to get up with how obviously turned on he was, not wanting to stop giving Ronan’s mouth all the attention it deserved.

“No, not easy for me to say!”  Ronan hitched himself up, bucking into Adam who closed his eyes, sighing at the friction.  “But – We have plans apparently, so….”

“Alright.  Fine.”  Adam practically peeled himself off Ronan, groaning all the way to pick up his bag and shuffle to the bathroom/laundry.

“AND DON’T GET HANDSY IN THERE MAN!  THAT’S A SHARED SPACE!”  Ronan yelled after him.

Adam groaned.

He heard Ronan chuckle before he closed the door and started the shower.

 

* * *

 

 

Ronan couldn’t stop smiling.  How had this happened?  How had it all gone so well, so quickly?  Shouldn’t he have suffered more for this?  Well, maybe they’d all suffered enough actually.

Adam liked him.  Adam Parrish _liked him_.  He wanted to kiss him and touch him, and somehow it wasn’t a dream this time.  _Holy Hell!_

Ronan stretched out on his bed, grin splitting his face in half.  He rubbed his fingers over his lips, thinking about Adam’s tongue and all the other places he wanted to feel it, when his phone buzzed.

Ronan knew without looking who it would be. 

Guilt was paralyzing.  He needed to fix that.

He picked up his phone and read the latest text. 

- _Playing hard to get?_

Ronan scrolled back to see the others he missed.

He knew that he couldn't see Nate again.  Not now.  It wouldn't be right, because while he’s still wasn't 100% sure what would happen when Adam goes back to school, he can’t date (or whatever is happening there) Nate while he is completely and hopelessly in love with someone else. 

He sighed and texted back. 

-Sure.  I know a place in town.

-Can you make it here?

-I have some things today..but later.

 

Only a minute passed before Nate texted back.

- _Sounds good.  Want me to pick you up?_

Ronan did not want that.  He wanted to be able to leave whenever he wanted.  He wasn’t sure how to even talk to Nate about this, but it seemed like something that should be done in person. 

-No, I'll meet you there at 7?

_-Great!  See you then._

Ronan didn’t really want to do any of this, but something was happening with Adam, and Ronan wanted to be spending all his time with him, he should end whatever this was with Nate quickly. 

Ronan pushed his phone into his jeans pocket.  He didn’t want to risk Adam picking up his phone again.  That would be bad.

 

* * *

 

 

Being in Cabeswater felt like no time passed at all, expect now, when he looked at Adam, Adam was usually looking back at him. 

On the drive there, Gansey drove, and Blue took shotgun.  Ronan usually would have had issue with this, but Adam kept pinching his hip in the backseat, testing Ronan’s resolve to stay quiet, and something about Adam’s sly teasing smile, made Ronan think there might be even better things waiting for him tonight.  Walking through the woods, Adam would let their hands brush together suddenly, or throw a handful of ripped out grass over Ronan’s head.  He even tried to trip him once, smiling the whole time.  If the others noticed, they didn’t let on.  But Ronan learned that Adam was an unimaginable flirt.  Casting Ronan looks, winking, feather light touches when no one was looking; Ronan _adored it._   He wondered if the others would notice if he just found another cave, grabbed Adam and…..

But, no.  He could wait.  _Probably._

He wondered if Adam would want to sleep in his room again tonight.  Something electric thrilled though him.  He hoped so.

Thanksgiving was tomorrow, so he would have to be up early to cook.  Ronan was hosting at the Barnes so everyone could come.  (Noah never could go into 300 Fox way, so all the ladies agreed).  Ronan was actually pretty excited about it.  It had been a while since he’d had a big family dinner, and while it was unfortunate that yes, Declan would make an appearance, so would the physics, Matthew, Blue, Gansey, Noah and Adam….Adam.  His family was different than he always imagined it, but it was still a family, _his_ family.

Ronan smiled to himself.  He was going to have a family dinner with Adam.  Everything felt good.  Everything felt right.  The sun was shining; there was grass itching his back and even some down his pants, because Adam had made sure to get some down his shirt, and Gansey was alive and he had his home, and….and….Ronan felt happy.  At peace.  It was a terrifying feeling.  It meant he could lose it.  But he pushed that away, looked ahead of him to see Blue and Gansey holding hands, arguing about some political candidate, saw Noah stringing flowers into a crown, and then Adam, prodigiously moving stones, marking X’s in the dirt with his shoe (places to remember) and let the “rightness” fall over him. 

He walked up to Adam, bent down to where he was studying a fern that looked a little off, kissed him on the cheek and ruffled his hair under his fingers.  Adam stopped what he was doing, looked up and grinned, closed mouthed a crooked.  He turned his gaze to where Gansey and Blue were bickering, and then back to Ronan, one eyebrow raised, questioning.

Ronan just shrugged.  He couldn’t care less really.  He wouldn’t let himself miss out on this moment because of fear.  He wanted to hold onto it with both hands.  So when Adam asked “You don’t care, do you?” Ronan shook his head. 

Adam smiled devilishly, and Ronan’s stomach swooped as he reached up with his magician reflexes, and grabbed him; Ronan let himself be pulled into down into a deeper, consuming kiss.  Cabeswater sighed, contented. 

They didn’t pull part until they heard whistling from Noah Blue and Gansey.  They looked up to see sly, knowing grins, and Gansey handing Blue a crisp $20 bill.

 

* * *

 

 

“Why don’t you all go to Nino’s for some food?”  Ronan suggested as they all walked back to the car.

“That sounds great!”  Gansey smiled, and Adam took Ronan’s hand.  Ronan wanted to puke, he was so happy.  He wanted to go with them. 

“Maybe gelato after, too?”  Adam suggested, lacing his fingers between Ronan’s. 

“Um, I can’t make though…I have a thing I need to take care of.”

Adam’s stomach dropped.  He pulled his hand out of Ronan’s. 

“What do you have to do?” Gansey asked, not the least suspiciously, just wondering.

Ronan felt trapped.  He didn’t want to lie.  But Adam was just kissing him.  Just holding his hand.  He didn’t want to talk about Nate.  Guilt was becoming a familiar friend.

Adam watched Ronan’s face.  Saw the unease there, remembered the text messages and wanted slam his fist into the Pig.  He needed to work through this somehow.  He wouldn’t let himself be the jealous type.  They’d made each other no promises.  Still, though, after today - it seeded like... he wanted to push Ronan away from him now - to be as far from him as he could.

“Whatever it is…”  Adam said, his voiced icy with derision, “it’s got to be more important that dinner with us at Nino’s.”

They all looked at Adam, could hear the contempt in his voice, and no one wanted to push the issue further.  It was lovely when Adam and Ronan kissed and looked happy and sated, but if Ronan and Adam were going to be a couple, the group quickly realized that their fights would be the most volatile of things.  They all busied themselves with something else, needing to look anywhere other than between Adam and Ronan.  They were very much staying out of it. 

Ronan wasn’t dumb.  He knew Adam was mad, he just didn’t know why.  He couldn’t know that he was going to see Nate.  After what had passed between them, Ronan was sure that he had made himself clear.  Adam knew him.  Adam must _know_ that even casually, Ronan could never be with more than one person _._ But what was this then?  Was he just mad that Ronan wasn’t having dinner with them?  No, that couldn’t be it.  Adam was fiercely independent, and if anything Ronan was the one usually clamoring for more time together…a couple hours apart couldn't be what upset him…He’d have to find out tonight, when they were alone. 

He wasn’t too worried about Adam’s attitude.  Adam usually had one; they matched.  But Ronan wasn’t entirely keen on Adam being pissed this soon after making out, so he grabbed his hand again, tight, and said, “It’s really not.”

He tried to express it with his eyes.  But Adam just stared at him blankly, opened the door to the Pig and climbed in. 

 

* * *

 

 

They dropped Ronan off at Monmouth at 6:30. 

“Will you be here tonight?”  Gansey asked. 

Ronan looked to Adam who was pointedly not looking back and him and staring out the window.

He hadn’t touched him at all on the drive back, but he didn’t push Ronan away, when he let his hand fall to the seat and pressed the back of his knuckles against Adam’s thigh.  Even that, had made his heart race.  He had dreamed of more, and now that he had tasted a bit of it, the idea of Adam being mad at him and taking it away seemed unbearable.  He wanted to be mad, but mostly he was panicking, which did, in fact, make him pretty mad.  Why would Adam kiss him, TWO DIFFERENT TIMES, if he was just going to be a dick about it right after?

He tried to compartmentalize.  He’d figure it out tonight.  _Just deal with Nate first_ , than he and Adam would figure it out.  They always did.

“Yes ma'am.  I’ll be home.”  He wanted to say he only expected to be out briefly, but that would open him up to more questions, and Adam was already mad at him – he didn’t know how he would feel if he knew he was meeting up with Nate.  No, it was better to just end it, without any fuss.  He had told Adam he didn’t have a boyfriend and he was being honest, but now, there would be absolutely nothing standing between him and Adam.  He just wanted to get the night over with.

He could see Adam roll his eyes heavily, as the rest of them waved, pulling out of the parking lot to head to Nino’s.

_What the hell was with him?_

Ronan walked inside, grabbed his coat, and chugged a beer before heading back down to his car. 

As soon as he was stepping out into the evening air, he saw Nate’s car pull into the lot.  What the fuck was he doing here?  Ronan stood dumbfounded as Nate parked quickly and jumped out of his car.

"Hey!"  He called out waving, as he jogged across the lot to Ronan.  He hugged him, sporting that large lovely smile of his, and Ronan tensed. 

"I was on my way to the restaurant when I saw your car!  I could never forget that car, man.  Not the way you drove last time.  Figured we could drive in together."

Nate really was handsome, and he liked Ronan's car, double plus, but right now?  Well, it didn’t affect Ronan the way it had before.  He _loved_ Adam, Nate was just pretty.  Sure, he was probably pretty cool too, but he wasn’t Adam. 

“You live here?”  Nate asked, looking around and up at the large expanse of Monmouth Manufacturing.

Ronan shrugged.  “Sometimes.  Me and a couple others.  It’s not all for me.”

“Cool.”  Nate seemed sincere, and Ronan almost felt bad for being about to tell him they weren't ever going to see each other again.

“Thanks.  Let’s go.”  Ronan said.  Wanting to get this over with.

“Don’t you want to show me inside?”  Nate grinned wickedly.  Ronan was sure it was meant to be suggestive, and was glad to note that it didn’t shred his stomach the way Adam’s flirting had.

“Not really.  I can’t be long tonight.  I have….a guest from out of town staying with me.”

“Oh.  Okay.”  Nate said easily.  “Let’s get going then.  This is a cute town.  Show me around baby!”

Ronan winced.  He knew Nate was trying to be funny, but it felt wrong now.  He didn’t like this.  Maybe he should skip the meal and just tell him now.  But that would mean Nate drove all the way out here for nothing – which, he kind of did…but Ronan could at least buy him a meal.

But then Ronan heard it.  The Pig.

He turned and watched frozen as the Gansey, Noah, Blue and Adam pulled back into the lot.  Ronan could see them all, their eyes wide and nervous, except for Adam….he looked positively wrathful.  But only because Ronan knew him so well…his face was still – but his eyes….he was a whirlpool under a frozen sea.

Nate was still smiling, but even he looked like he could tell something was up.

“Fuuuuck Dude…are you like in the closet or something?”

Ronan just rolled his eyes brutally and walked up to the Pig. 

“I thought you guys were going to Nino’s” Ronan said leaning down to the window after Gansey rolled it down to speak.  They all looked perfectly happy to stay in the car.  Noah shook his head at Ronan looking disappointed, but Ronan wouldn’t be cowed.  He stared them all down. 

“There weren’t any tables…some Aglionby thing tonight…full of students….I’m…uh – Ronan?”

Gansey was nervous, but Ronan couldn’t talk him down now.  Blue looked furious.

“Calm down maggot.  Christ!”  Ronan hissed.

“Oh!  Don’t you dare...Lynch…”

But Ronan cut her off walking to the other side of the car, where Adam had gotten out.

He was carrying three pizzas in his arms.  He looked like he was considering throwing them in Ronan’s face.

“Listen Parrish…”

“I hope you have fun tonight…I mean this was your _really important_ thing right?”

Ronan couldn’t help it.  He looked back at Nate, who was looking back and forth between his angry friends in the car, and his even angrier friend with the pizzas.

Ronan tried to speak quietly.   “I didn’t lie to you….I just needed…”

Adam spoke over him, effectively silencing him.

“Sure!  Right, Lynch, I mean we were just, what?  Experimenting right?  I'm not blind – he’s cute, if you’re into that whole s _kater thing_ , which I guess you are.”

Ronan flinched.  The way Adam said it, it felt like a smack.  Made Ronan feel less than.

His composure was slipping.  He was getting angry now. 

“Fuck you, Parrish.  You don’t know jack shit!  You think because you come here, after months, and decide to sleep in my bed, and play your little homo-fantasy out, that you all of a sudden have some say in my life?”

“Of course.” Adam sneered.  “You’re right.  I don’t know you at all.  Have fun with hot-pants over there.  See you later.”

Adam turned on his heel and stomped up and into Monmouth.  Ronan looked at his other friends, still in the Pig, frozen, mouths agape, watching the horror unfold. 

So Ronan left before he screamed, before he tore Monmouth down to the studs.

“Get in.”  He growled as he stomped past Nate, flinging the door of the BMW open and starting the engine.

Nate obeyed, not looking totally sure if he wanted to join Ronan while he looked like this, but not wanting to stay with these angry people in the parking lot either.

Ronan sped off, and Nate hung on.

 

“Are you going to kill me?”  Nate asked 10 minutes later, when Ronan pulled onto the interstate.

“That’s what this is, isn’t it?  Oh God.  You’re going to kill me and bury me in the woods somewhere.”

Nate only sounded like he was half joking.

“No.  I’d bury you in the field behind my house if I was going to kill you.”  Ronan said flatly.

“That’s not really funny.”  Nate fingered the door handle.

“You’re right.  Sorry.   I just couldn’t…” Ronan sighed.  “I just can’t sit in a restaurant right now.”

“That’s fine….ex boyfriend?  That was pretty intense.”

Ronan laughed humorlessly.  “No.”

“Well, can we still stop for food….I think there is a taco bell at the next exit….I came right from work dude.  I’m starved.”

Ronan put on his blinker and got off at the next exit.

 

Ronan ordered enough food to feed 6 people, and handed the bag to Nate. 

“I’m not going to see you again after tonight.”  Ronan said.

“Oh?”  Nate asked as he opened a burrito and bit into it.

“Yeah.”

“Wait!  Was that guy your current boyfriend?  Fuck man!”

“No!”  Ronan exclaimed feeling angry again.  Adam was not his boyfriend.  Who knows what Adam would ever be to him now?  _Shit - Fuck!_

“So... what?   I mean, I thought we had a pretty good time.”  Nate ate and spoke casually, as if either way, it didn’t really mean too much to him.

“I did…” Ronan admitted.  “I just.  I can’t do it halfway, and I’m into someone else.”

“The pretty one, or the angry one?  Wait!  Not the little spiky one?”

Ronan laughed again, knowing he meant Blue, and Nate grinned.  He really could be funny.

“Fuck no!  The angry one I guess.”  Ronan admitted.  He grabbed a taco and started eating it slowly. 

Nate pulled out some chips and settled more comfortably into his seat.  They were parked in the back under a lamppost.

“Tell me about it.”  Nate popped another chip in his mouth.

“Why?”  Ronan asked.

“Well, You’re cute, and I’m definitely cute, and I’m pretty sure, I’m also a bad ass kisser, so there has to be a story here, if that guy is neither your boyfriend or ex boyfriend and you want to stop hooking up...”

Ronan smiled at Nate.  Maybe in another life, he thought briefly.

“I love him.”  Ronan admitted for the first time out loud in his life.

“Whoa.  Really?” Nate’s eyes were wide and he shoved more chips in his mouth, like he was watching a particularly engrossing soap opera.

“Yeah.  For a really long time now actually.  Only, he used to date this girl, so…”

“So…he’s straight?  Bummer.”

“No.   Well…I don’t think so.  I always thought it was impossible, so I just dealt with it.  We were friends.  But last night…well, he came home to visit…”

“Your guest!  Got it.  Continue.” Nate waved him on, engrossed.

Ronan nodded.  “He kissed me.”

“Awwwww.”  Nate looked genuinely pleased.  Smitten even.

Ronan’s eyebrows pinched up at him, scowling at how Nate.  He found this whole encounter to be strange and weird and a little awful, but Nate seemed perfectly contended to eat cheap food out of a bag and listen to Ronan spill his guts.

“No! It was fucking weird!  He told me that maybe he likes guys too….me in particular, but he still goes to school in fucking Jersey!”

“Noooooo.”  Nate whispered, like the story just got _so_ good.  

“So – whatever.  I don’t know what’s even going to happen when he goes back.  And I don’t even really know if he can like guys as much as he likes girls, but….I just – I’m not the type of guy who can do two things at once.”

“Zing!” Nate grinned, and poked Ronan in the bicep.  “Yeah.  Usually that takes some strategic planning.”  He winked.

“Dick.”  Ronan chastised.  “I thought it would be shitty to say over the phone, even though we’ve only hung out twice, figured I could at least buy you dinner.  Sorry about the shit fest you walked into.”  He shrugged.

“No problem, Ronan.  I get it.  Life is messy.  You’re cute, but you're not the only guy I'm seeing.”

Ronan made a very noble effort not to flinch at that.  Maybe _not_ in another life then, he thought, a little annoyed.

“Great.”  Ronan said sarcastically before taking a sip of his coke.

“Sorry.  Virgins are adorable though... look at you!  All angsty."  Nate made a gesture with his hands, implying all of Ronan signaled virgin angsty noob.  “But if that’s the way you like to do it…one at a time.  I can respect that.”

“Excuse me!”  Ronan hissed.  He couldn’t really deny Nate’s claim, but still; he didn’t like being called out like that. 

Nate reached out a hand and touched Ronan’s cheek. 

“It’s cool.  Thanks for trying to be so noble about it.”

“I wasn’t”  Ronan insisted, pulling away from Nate’s hand.

But Nate just smiled bigger, dimples taking the spotlight.   “That just makes it sweeter that you think so.”

“Come on then”  Nate said wrapping up the garbage and shoving it into the bottom of the bag.  “Take me back to my car.  You should go talk to your boy.”

“He’s not my boy.”  Ronan insisted.

“Well, it didn’t seem like he knew that.”

Ronan scoffed but drove home anyway.

“Keep my number though, Ronan.  If you’re ever single and want to meet up again.  I’d like to see you.”

“Sure.”  Ronan said, knowing he had already deleted Nate’s number from his phone.

 

* * *

 

 

“Where the hell is Adam?”  Ronan asked when he got back to Monmouth. 

Gansey looked uncomfortable.  Noah appeared and answered, saving Gansey the trouble.

“He went to stay with Blue tonight.  He was pretty pissed man.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”  Ronan was surprised.  Angry.  If Adam wasn’t so goddamned proud he could have fixed this already.

“Yeah”  Gansey answered.   “You aren’t actually seeing that other boy are you?  Blue told me you’ve liked Adam this whole time, and what with that kiss in Cabeswater, I was inclined to believe her.”

“Gansey –God.  No.  I am not seeing _that_ _boy!”_

Not wanting to talk to anyone about this but Adam Ronan pulled out his phone and hit Adam’s face with a little too much force.  It went straight to his voicemail.  He had his phone turned off. 

“Oh for Fucks Sake!”  Ronan cursed.

He dialed 300 Fox way next.  It just rang and rang, going to voicemail 3 separate times.  Each message becoming more and more pofane.

“Psychics, remember.”  Noah said, settling onto Gansey’s bed and pulling a blanket over his legs.

“This is insane!  He’s mad at me for no reason!”  Ronan hollered.

 

* * *

 

 

“Blue, I don’t want to talk to him!”   Adam insisted as Blue tired to get him to answer Ronan’s 10th call.

“Not to be Captain Obvious here Adam, but you’re super into him.  Why don’t you just listen to what he has to say?”

“Are you kidding me?  Look at that guy he was going out with!  He lied to us!  I saw the texts from him this morning. _Nate.”_ He said the name like a slur.  “I mean I didn’t mention that I saw them to Ronan, because I thought that after….well, I thought he liked me too.   But if he needs to date some _super cool college guy_ to prove something, then so be it.  What? Do I embarrass him?”

Adam could never say it out loud, but really that was what killed him the most about Ronan seeing Nate.  He always knew he wasn’t good enough for Ronan.  He came from dirt, and no amount of education would ever change what was in his veins…but Ronan – Ronan had magic in his.  He was born from wealth, and power, and pure magic….what the hell could Adam ever be to someone like that?

“Adam.”  Blue scolded.  “You’re a “college boy” too.  Also, so what if he saw him tonight?  You don’t know what happened.   You know, Ronan and I have hung out a lot since you left and I think Noah is right.  He’s totally in love with you.”  Adam flinched at the word.  He wished it too much.  “Ronan’s not the type of guy to mess around; trust me.  I think you really need to talk to him.” 

Blue pulled Adam down, so his head was in her lap.  She brushed her small dark fingers through his fine hair, and spoke very clear and soft.

“I think you will regret it, if this is just another thing your pride robs from you.”

Adam sucked in a sharp breath, but he didn’t move.

“Calm down Ivy League.  Think about it.  He likes you.  I know it.  And if you like him too - well, those things don’t really come around all that often.  Don’t fuck it up, ok?”

Adam sighed, and leaned into her touch.  He already missed Ronan, but he was still angry, even though it was mostly at himself.

“Ok.”  He said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to "One Man Guy" (briefly noted in this fic) a great and sweet book by Michael Barakiva.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t really pay attention to the calendar or what year this would have to take place in to make sense, so just go with it.
> 
> [HERE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIlWjhci01U) is the song I had Ronan listen to on the drive.....SO early angst Pynch if you ask me. This song is MY JAM. So lovely. 
> 
>  

 

Ronan actually set his alarm.  He was too angry to sleep at Monmouth last night; with Adam gone and Gansey asking too many questions, he decided to sleep at the Barnes.  He had to be up early to start cooking anyway.  He could focus on this.  He would put himself into the holiday, into the meal.  He was glad to have that. 

Ronan wanted to see his friends and family, and was sure that Adam would fucking chill out once he had a decent meal in him and knew why Ronan had gone out with Nate last night. 

 _Doesn’t he even know me at all?_   Ronan wondered, somewhat dejectedly.

He got the turkey in first. And soon after Matthew showed up, still in his pajama pants, looking hung over. 

“What the hell Matthew?  Are you still drunk or something?”

“No.”  Matthew whispered, though he turned his head away from the lights.  “I just – There was this party last night, and….”

“Yeah, whatever, get upstrairs and shower before mom or Decaln sees you.  I’ll fry you up some eggs too.  It’ll help.”

Matthew hugged his older brother and clug to him for a moment longer than strictly necessary.  Ronan’s absolute steadiness, making Matthew feel at home, and calmed all at the same time.

Matthew looked up into Ronan’s open face.  “Is Adam going to be here too?”

Ronan’s face closed up again.

“Yeah.  He’s supposed to.” He said as he went to pull a skillet from where it hung over the stove.

“Oh really?” Matthew said, trying to be subtle, but failing miserably.

Ronan just rolled his eyes, and started craking eggs.

“You, know.  I always liked Adam.  He’s really nice –smart- _handsome_ …”

“Get in the fucking shower, or I’m feeding these eggs back to the chickens!”

“That’s fucked up bro!”

“Don’t curse! Mom’s upstairs.  Go!”

Matthew grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and walked upstairs to take a shower.

 

Ronan tried to shake off that fact that apparently everyone was in on his crush on Adam except Adam.  Or maybe Adam was too?  He wanted to hit something.  The peace of the holiday kitchen was disappearing quickly, so he grabbed his headphones, turned on something loud, and let the rest of the world fade out while he stirred, beat, kneaded, and folded. 

Time passed quickly and pleasurably then.  He waved, when he saw Declan arrive, content to let him walk straight into the living room with his mom and brother without making small talk.  Declan brought a girl… _way to let me know_ , Ronan griped in his head for a moment, before conceding that there would certainly be more than enough to go around.

Still, it bothered him for some reason.  He turned his music up louder.  He might go deaf, but oh well.  He wanted to see Adam.  If he was being honest with himself, so much of this meal was for him.  To _feed_ and _welcome_ , and maybe, just a little bit, to _impress_.  Ronan moved swiftly and effortlessly through the kitchen like only someone who’d done it a million times before could pull off.  He got lost in it again.  Dinner would be ready soon.

There was a rough slap on his ass.  _Adam._   His heart jolted against his ribs.  But when he turned around it was just Blue.  Smiling too big.

“Shit!  Maggot.  Personal space!”

“Sorry!  I just didn’t know you could move like that!  Too bad Parrish couldn’t have seen it.”

“Do your hips not lie?”  Noah giggled behind his hand.

“Shut the fuck up Czerny.” 

Ronan must have been dancing.  He tried to keep the embarrassment from showing on his face.  He made sure to stand straighter.

“This all looks wonderful, Ronan.  Can we help you with anything?”  Gansey asked.  He looked happy, but something else was hidden behind his eyes, something sad.  Ronan understood then.

“Adam’s not coming is he?”  Ronan asked, certain he already knew the answer.

All their faces fell.

“Fuuck…”

Blue spoke first.  Her and Ronan’s relationship having grown enough over the past few months for her to feel as protective over him as she did the rest of her boys.

“I – I told him to talk to you…but you know Adam.  He got all lost in that big brain of his and….well.”

“Where is he?  You’re place?  Dammit, I’ll drag him here himself.  It’s _Thanks-fucking-giving_!”

“No. Ronan…”Blue continued.  “He left this morning.  Mr. Grey agreed to take him.  He went back to Jersey.  Said he had school work to catch up on.  Which we all know is bullshit, but…”

Ronan slammed a pot down hard, on the counter.

“What a dick!  What the hell is his problem?”  Ronan yelled.

None of his friends had the answer.

“Is something the matter honey?”  Aurora called from the other room.

“No, mom.  It’s fine.  Dinner in five.  MATTHEW!  SET THE TABLE!”

Ronan started spooning the food into their serving platters.  Blue and Gansey helped, while Noah went to give Matthew a hand.

 

They all sat and ate.  Ronan was complimented on how delicious the food was, and he really tried to enjoy the meal, but he just couldn’t.  Why was Adam being such a Dick?  Was he even eating tonight?  Or was he alone in some shitty dorm?  

Ronan's home was full of good people and soft music, and his mother and Matthew were smiling, and Gansey was alive, but – he couldn’t _not_ feel the absence. 

Noah begged for dessert while everyone was still moaning over their full stomachs, but Ronan needed something to do, so he grabbed the kettle, (a massive one dreamed up by his father years ago, as soon as you put water in it, it was hot and ready for pouring) and started pulling out the cakes and pies, and cookies, many of which he bought ahead of time, but some he made himself with his mom.

The lemon ones were his favorite.  Just sour enough.

He brought out the trays, set them on the table and then put on his coat.

“Well, this was great everybody.  Matthew and Declan, I cooked, so you can clean up.” Ronan said as he headed for the door.

Declan nodded, and Matthew whined, but Arua patted his hand to shush him.

“Where are you going sweetie?”  She asked.  Blue looked at him a little too knowingly, but he didn’t want to talk about it.

“Out.”  He said.

“Bring him a plate.”  Gansey said, putting his arm around Blue.  “He’ll like that.”

“Right.  Great.  Good.”  Ronan said, before headed back into the kitchen.

“Are they still doing this?”  Ronan heard Calla bark, but he ignored her. 

He piled the food high into 4 separate tupperware containers, grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge and left without another word.

 

* * *

 

 

The drive was really starting to piss Ronan off.  He didn’t mind the driving, but it was hard to keep up the momentum of his resolve for six hours.  After he kissed Adam he was going to punch him. 

The roads were empty at first, but then started congesting around DC.  Ronan put on a more relaxing playlist to try to and calm him nerves.  This was taking forever! 

Fuck Adam!  Fuck him hard!

Ronan groaned until a sweet sad voice came through his speakers.

                                _I've been loving you too long to stop now_

 _You were tired and you want to be free_  
                              My love is growing stronger, as you become a habit to me  
                             Oh I've been loving you a little too long  
                             I don't want to stop now

Ronan let the music settle him, listening to the song three more times, before letting the next one queue up.

 

When Ronan finally made it to Central Jersey, he was exhausted.  He briefly wondered where Kavinsky had grown up, but he figured that was likely North Jersey, and not the farm and beach towns he had passed so far.  Finding parking at Adam’s school was a lot easier now.  Everyone must still be with their families.  He hated that Adam had done this to himself.  That he would choose loneliness over just talking to Ronan, or just trusting him not to be a prick.

He grabbed the food, and the wine, and walked up the dark path to Adam’s place.

He wasn’t there.  Or at least he didn’t think he was there.  There were no lights on, and no one was answering the door or phone.  _FUCK!_   What if Adam really hadn’t come back? What if Ronan had drove up here for no fucking reason?  He slid down and sat, his back against Adam’s door, feeling pathetic and angry, his arms full of home cooked gifts that would probably be meaningless.

After a couple minutes Ronan heard it though….music.  He stood and looked around.  He had figured the dorms would be empty, but there was definitely party music coming from somewhere, soft and thumping.

He grabbed the food and followed the sound.  Ronan had to walk to the end of the hall, around the corner and down to the end of that hallway to see the open door.  The music was louder, and lights were flashing red, blue, yellow, out on to the opposite wall.  _A party._  Maybe Adam had gone.  It seemed unlikely, but maybe someone here would know Parrish.  Ronan walked to the door and was shocked when he saw Adam immediately.  The room was full, much too full for the small size.  He guessed not all rich kids loved or even had families to go home to.  But there was Adam…in the middle of a crowd of dancing, sweating people, jumping and singing at the top of his lungs. 

Adam was fucking wasted.  _Shit._

Ronan walked into the room, set his parcels down on a table, and pushed his way into the center of the crowd.  Adam was still dancing, mostly hopping up and down on the balls of his feet, but when he saw Ronan his face spilt into a glorious smile.

“RONAN!”  Adam grabbed his hands and started trying to dance with him.  Ronan kind of bobbed uncomfortably for a moment, just enjoying how happy Adam was to see him, before he said, “That was really shitty of you.” 

“I KNOW!  I’M A SHITHEAD!”  Adam was still smiling, like he couldn’t care less.

“Adam, lets get out of here.  I need to talk to you.”

“How about we don’t talk, and you just dance with me?”  Adam said, hot against Ronan’s ear. 

 _Shit._   Ronan already missed Adam's breath on his skin like this.  _Shit shit shit._

Adam nipped at his ear with his teeth and then grabbed Ronan by the loops of his pants, pulling his hips forward and crowded against him. 

“You look goooood.”  Adam smiled, but his eyes went dark. 

Ronan blushed; he had barely handled a sober flirtatious Adam, he had no idea how to handle a drunk off his ass, horny Adam.

“Dude...Let’s go.”

“Dude?  You picking things up from _Nate_ , now?”

“Dammit Adam!”  Ronan grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the crowd roughly.  He picked up the food on the way out.

In the hallway Ronan spun on him.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“You and Nate are my problem.”  Adam was just drunk enough to be bitterly honest.

“There is no ‘me and Nate’”  Ronan plead.  “I told you that!”

“So what?  You just lied to us for no reason, and snuck off to see him, because what?  You aren’t hooking up with him?”

“You know what Adam?  Yes!  Okay?  I kissed Nate, TWICE…before you ever came home.  That was it!”

Ronan thought that would make Adam feel better, but Adam swayed on his feet a little and looked like he had just taken a hit.

“Nate texted me in the morning - that night you stayed over.  He wanted to see me again.  I told him I would meet with him, but ONLY so I could tell him that I couldn’t see him anymore.  I didn’t want to just text him that, and I SURE AS HELL didn’t want to talk to you about it!  You only _just_ kissed me!  What the FUCK ADAM!  I’ve been in love with you for years, and I wasn’t sure what exactly you wanted, and I didn't want to freak you out talking about exclusivity.  But I can’t do things halfway…so, YES!  I didn’t talk to you about going to see Nate, but I didn’t lie about him either– ever.  He was just a guy – not a boyfriend – we weren’t even dating – And I didn’t want to scare you off by admitting all this bullshit!”

Ronan was out of breath.

“I’ve never heard you talk so much.”  Adam admitted.

“Yeah well I hope you’re fucking savoring it, you probably won’t remember a word tomorrow.”

“I’m not that drunk.”

“Sure.”  Ronan said, then walked up to Adam, placed his arms around his waist and tried to kiss him, but Adam pulled away.

Ronan cursed, frustrated.

“I get it, Ronan.  I believe you about Nate, but if it wasn’t him it’ll just be someone else.  You shouldn’t be tied to me all the way here in New Jersey!  You said it yourself, you don’t do things halfway.  You can do better than me, Ronan.”  Adam looked like he was going to throw up.

 “WHAT?” Ronan yelled, his voice boomed and echoed through the corridor as he threw his hands up in the air.  He looked incredulous and furious. 

“I’m not like him - them...Ronan….I mean, I try, but I’m just me…fucking dirt skin, dirt hair, dirt hands.”  Adam lifted his hands to show Ronan the grease under his nails, mementos from checking on the progress of the hondoyota.

“ADAM!  LOOK. WHERE. YOU. ARE!"  Ronan yelled again.  "Actually, fuck that!  I’d love you even if you were still in that goddamn trailer because it’s not about what you _do_ , it’s about who you _ARE!”_

Ronan took the hands that Adam held between them like a shield and kissed his fingertips.

“Don’t make me beg, Adam”

“What?  Ronan?”  Adam was choking back tears now.  This was wrong.  Nothing about this made sense.  Couldn’t Ronan see him?  Couldn’t he see what a mistake it was to love him?

“Adam... it’s _going_ to be you.  I am going to love you whether you choose to love me back or not- so your only decision here, is whether you break both our hearts or not.”  Ronan looked angry and helpless, and Adam wanted to give in so badly.  He wanted to wrap himself up in Ronan more than he’d ever wanted anything.  He just didn’t know if he could. 

“Just…Just FORGET all the Other SHIT and BE WITH ME!”  Ronan argued.

Adam shook his head, side to side _._ His eyes were glassy with unshed tears.

“It just doesn’t make sense.”  Adam said.  I can’t make _this_ make sense.”

Ronan hung his head.  Feeling like nothing he could ever say or do would be enough to make Adam understand.

“What about our lives have ever made sense, Adam?  Us…That is the only thing that has ever made sense to me.”

 

Adam felt the truth of Ronan’s words.  He felt it sing through his veins, forcing his heart to listen.  He was right.  He might not be able to ever see himself the way Ronan did…but he could see Ronan.  Maybe that’s how their love worked, each reminding the other of their worth, until they could see it for themselves.

Adam didn’t want Ronan to ever doubt himself…That’s not what he wanted.

Adam lifted Ronan’s face to meet his.  He didn’t care if anyone saw.

“You’re right.”  Adam said.  Shaking his head _yes._

“What?”  Ronan looked unsure.

“You are right.  We make sense.  I was being stupid.”

Ronan’s eyes went wide.  He clearly didn’t expect this response.

“Ronan - it would kill me to lose you.  I just worry that being with me, might kill you too, just more slowly.  I’m kind of an idiot sometimes.”

Ronan laughed, but leaned in closer.

“We make sense.  You’re right.” Adam whispered into Ronan’s neck.

 _“I’m_ right.”  Ronan agreed.

“Well- Only this one time.”  Adam couldn’t help but add.

“And you’re still a dick.” Ronan said as he wrapped his arms around him.

“Can you stay, or do you have to go tonight?”

“I don’t have to do shit.”  Ronan murmured into Adam’s hair.

“Damn _..._ I’ve been missing this already, you know?” Adam leaned into Ronan’s hold, kissing his neck again. 

“Really?”  Ronan purred.  “What a slut.”

“Fuck you.  Who was the one hooking up with two different guys?”

“ _Adam_ …”Ronan looked pained.

“I know. I know.  Sorry.”

Ronan kissed him then, and found that _yes_ , his inhibitions were certainly lowered, because Adam was pushing him back into the wall, and kissing him deeper.  Ronan had to pry himself out of his grasp, and taking Adam by the hand, pulled him back to his dorm. 

“Come on, Parrish.  I brought you some food.  You need it.”

Adam stumbled along after him.  “What a good boyfriend", he chuckled, and Ronan blushed, not looking behind him, but savoring the words all the same.

“I want to get your clothes OFF!” Adam complained..

“Food first.”  Ronan insisted.  “Then maybe a shower.  You reek.”

Adam laughed.  “Ok.”  Then added, “ But just us now, right?  That’s what we’re doing?”  Adam asked.

“Yes.  Just us.  Especially if you want to keep calling me your boyfriend.” 

Ronan looked back then and saw Adam smiling, his cheeks and ears a lovely shade of pink.

“I mean, Czerny might have the inside tap into what goes on here, but I don’t think there’s anything we can do about that.”

Adam laughed.  “No, mystical threesomes!”

“Fuck Parrish!  I’m still hoping for a twosome!” Ronan teased.

Adam laughed again, though excitement pooled in his belly, spreading warmth to his extremities.  “Let’s go then, Lynch.  I’ve got my room to myself.”

Ronan groaned.  Adam was going to kill him.  “You need FOOD Parrish! Did you even eat today?”

Adam shrugged.  “I’ll eat you up.”  Adam snapped his teeth.

Ronan gulped.  _Yup._   Adam was going to kill him.

 

* * *

 

 

Ronan managed to get Adam to eat two full containers worth of food before he insisted that if he ate anymore he would explode.

Then he shuffled him into the shower.

Ronan had just finished cleaning up and was praying there was a beer hidden away somewhere in the fridge that he could steel for himself when he heard Adam calling him.

“LYNCH!”  Came his voice from the bathroom.  "Can you bring me a towel?”

Something thrilled through Ronan.  _Chill out._ He told himself.  Just bring him a towel.  Be a normal person.  But the idea of being so close to a naked, wet Adam had a very distinct effect on him.

“Where are they?”  Ronan called back to him.

“In the hall closet!  Thank you!"

Ronan grabbed a towel and brought it in to the bathroom. 

"Here you go." He said, holding it out at arm's reach for Adam to grab from inside the tub.

Adam reached his hand out through the back of the curtain to grab it, and part of Ronan was glad that he wouldn’t have to see Adam right then, because he was sure he needed sleep more then he needed being groped.

Ronan placed the towel in his grasp, but Adam grabbed his forearm instead, tightly, and pulled. Ronan stumbled forward, one foot falling into the shower with Adam, he was soaked.

“Might as well come all the way in now.”  Adam grinned.

Ronan stood there, shocked and awed, and unable to think or speak.  Adam’s hand was still gripped around his own and when he looked down at the connection he saw _all_ of Adam.  He was gorgeous; tan and toned and wet, darker hairs covering his lower stomach and….Ronan gulped, but brought his other foot in the tub with the rest of him.  He didn’t give a _fuck_ about his clothes!

“Thank you.”  Adam said, in the softest voice Ronan had ever heard him use.

“For what?”

“For putting up with me.  For being you.”

“Ah…you put up with me first.”  Ronan felt like it needed to be said.

Adam smiled, leaned in and kissed him. 

They stood like that for a while, under the water, letting the warmth seep into their skin and bones, and when the tension eased from Ronan’s shoulders, Adam worked at the slow process of peeling him out of his wet clothes. 

“Adam….”  Ronan sighed.  Not sure where this was going, but eager to find out.

“No more talking.”  Adam said, and he popped the button of Ronan’s jeans.  They were actually painful to be in, weighted now with the water, and restricting, and he’d never been this hard in his entire life.

Ronan helped Adam pull them down and after much effort, and an accidental elbow to the chin, off.  He wanted to touch.  As they kissed he kept feeling the teasing nudge of Adam’s cock against his thigh, but it wasn’t enough.

“Can I?” Adam asked, before Ronan could even form the words.

“You can have anything.” Ronan answered truthfully.

Adam kissed him, but now his hands moved slowly from his waist to his hips, to…

Ronan seized up.  His whole body stilled as Adam took him in his hands.  _This was right.  This was what he’d needed._

Adam wrapped one beautiful hand around Ronan and started working him.  The water was making it difficult, but neither of them could be bothered to move.  Adam brought his other hand up to his mouth and without looking away from Ronan, licked his palm and brought it back down to Ronan’s dick.

Ronan thought he would die.  Adam was beautiful and strong and fucking amazing and was touching him - was looking at him like...like he could love him back.  

Ronan watched the head of his dick disappear again and again through Adam's fist, each glorious stroke making his world shrink further and further down to this exact moment. 

Adam tilted his face back up then, chin in his other hand he kissed him hard, and kept up the excruciating pressure and motion.  Ronan wrapped his arms around Adam and found himself being pushed against the tile, Adam grinding himself against him as they kissed.  Ronan thought he could die here, feeling Adam this turned on - feeling their bodies linking up, he would't even be able to regret it.

“I want to fuck you so bad.”  Adam spoke into Ronan’s mouth, and Ronan’s vision whited out.  Heat and desire was a living thing inside him.  He grabbed at Adam and started jerking him off in time with Adam’s own movements. 

They kissed and cried out as they fucked into each other hands and when Ronan came, Adam smiled and swallowed his last sighs.

Adam following him soon after. 

 

They were both spent.  Exhaustion threatening to pull them under, but they managed to clean each other off and get out of the shower.

The towel Adam had called for was apparently for Ronan, because Adam had his own.  _Sneaky bastard._

Adam grabbed two glasses of water and brought them to the bed where Ronan was already laying in a borrowed pair of boxers.  They were too tight.  Adam smirked.

“Shut the fuck up!”  Ronan scolded.  “If you didn’t get all my clothes wet!”

“I thought you’d have brought extra!”

“I didn’t know if you’d let me stay.”  Ronan admitted.

Something about the honesty in his voice made Adam’s heart ache.  He was so relaxed, but he suddenly remembered, feeling a lot more sober now, that Ronan had admitted to being in love with him.

He handed Ronan the glass of water, and crawled into bed with him.

“Get some sleep _boyfriend.”_   Adam said after kissing Ronan on the lips.

“Yeah….you too.”

 

With the lights off Adam felt a more comfortable admitting to things that were harder in the light.

“I love you too .”  He said into the nook of Ronan's shoulder blades as he spooned him. 

Ronan scooted back, forcing their bodies even closer together.

They fell asleep soon after, both sated and happy, and hopeful.

 

* * *

 

 

They woke up that morning to the sound of Adam’s phone.  Ringing and ringing and ringing.  Adam groaned, his head ached a little, but otherwise he felt okay.  Relaxed even.  He looked down at Ronan who was pulling a pillow over his head, cursing about “fucking unwanted wake up calls” and  Adam couldn’t help but roll his eyes and push him out of the way. 

He reached over Ronan’s mostly naked form, failed at suppressing a blush, and found purchase on his phone, where it rested on his nightstand. 

“Hello?”

“Adam!  I’m glad you finally picked up!  I was getting worried about you.  Is Ronan there?  He left in a hurry, and if I can’t have you call him for me, there is literally no chance of him actually picking up.”

“He’s here Gansey.”

Ronan groaned loudly from under the pillow.

“Oh.  Yes, I can hear that.   I guess you both worked it all out then?” 

Gansey sounded hopeful, and Adam could picture him sitting on his bed at Monmouth with both Blue and Noah at his side, waiting eagerly for an update.

“Yeah, guess so.”  Adam was feeling devilish, so he added, “do you want to speak to him?”

In one swift move, Ronan shot up and threw the pillow at Adam’s face, almost knocking the phone from his hand.

“Ooomph!”  It was not a light hit.

Gansey seemed to understand.  Having lived with Lynch long enough, he could probably see just as easy into their relationship as Noah. 

“I’m going to have to say, no thank you.  Early morning Ronan, is not exactly my favorite version.”

Adam laughed lightly at the face Ronan was giving him, somehow a tousled mix of enraged, sleepy, happy and horny all at once.  Adam could feel the blush spreading over his skin while he sat still under Ronan’s scrutiny.

“Okay then.  Are you coming back tonight?” Adam asked Gansey.

“Yeah.  Late though.  I’ll see you later.”

“Okay.  See you.”

Adam hung up and Ronan lunged.

 

After all their kisses and especially what happened last night, Adam was surprised at how not used to being touched by Ronan he was.  Feeling their skin of their chests together was wonderful and exciting and when Ronan lightly bit at his ear, punishment for waking him, Adam couldn’t help but buck up into him a little.

When Ronan leaned in to kiss him though, Adam pulled away.

“Uh….I don’t do morning breath.”

“What!?”  Ronan sounded incredulous.

“It’s gross.  We can just brush our teeth first.”

“I don’t have a tooth brush here….or clothes...thanks to you.”

“I live with Gansey, Ronan.  There are spares under the sink.  I’m sure you can borrow some of his clothes too.  They’ll probably fit you better.”

“I will literally drive home naked, before I put on one of his polos!”

Adam grabbed Ronan by the arm and pulled him into the bathroom.

“Ah, my favorite room in your place!”  Ronan said as he bent down to look under the sink.

Adam rolled his eyes as he put some paste on his toothbrush and started scrubbing.

Ronan found what he was looking for, but got distracted on his way back up by the long length of Adam’s exposed legs.

He ran his fingers up and up, letting them get caught in the hem of his boxers before Adam smacked his hand away.

He couldn't handle the naked adoration in Ronan's eyes at the moment.

“Oh you can pull me into a shower, but I can’t reciprocate?”  Ronan scolded, but then lightly nudged Adam’s hip with his own so he knew he wasn’t all that serious.

“That feels a little more embarrassing now than it did in the moment.”  Adam admitted, spitting into the sink.

Ronan started brushing, and Adam turned around to look at him.  His boxers really were too small on Ronan.  He looked kind of ridiculous.  _I should take them off_.  He thought, a smirk pulling at the corners of his lips.

“So.”  Adam sighed.  “Are you my boyfriend now or what?”

Ronan paused in his brushing.  Adam thought that Ronan brushed his teeth like he was punishing them for something, but then he spit, wiped his mouth on a towel and asked, very slowly,  “Is that what you want?”  Adam thought about it for a second, but then Ronan added.  “Because that’s what I want.”

Adam couldn’t help but smile.  Leave it to Ronan to put himself on the line again and again.  He never made Adam have to put himself out there first, or take any of the risk.  He would do it himself, risk ridicule or rejection first, before ever letting Adam take the fall. 

He placed a hand on Ronan’s bare belly, nodding. “Yeah.  Me too.”

Ronan smiled.  That honest smile that was so rare, but had come out so often these past couple days with Adam. 

“So now what?”  Adam asked.

“Now we eat breakfast, dumbass.”  Ronan said as he stomped out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. 

Adam guessed some things about Ronan wouldn’t ever change.  He was pretty sure he was glad about that.

Adam went back into his room first to put some clothes on, and rummaged through his and Gansey’s wardrobe to find something for Ronan.  Ronan could probably fit in one of his shirts, but he’d have to borrow a pair of Gansey’s pants to go home in.  Adam chuckled, thinking of how Ronan might feel about that.

When Adam walked out into the kitchen, Ronan had the coffee on, and something square and yellowish set out on plates.

“You know, I just realized you could have just dreamed yourself some clothes last night!  Wait, what is that?  Quiche?  Where the hell did you get quiche?  Did you serve that for Thanksgiving?”

“I didn’t dream at all last night.”  Ronan said in a hushed tone.  “And fuck no!  We’re celebrating.  These are my mom’s special recipe lemon squares!  Breakfast of champions and boys who are out of scolding range of Dick Ganseys.”

Adam laughed as he sat across from Ronan.

“Lemon squares huh?  They’re so….pretty.  I’d have taken you for more of a chunky oatmeal cookie kind of man.”

“Thank you Parrish"  Ronan said with surprising politeness, "but it’s the sourness that makes them amazing.  Not everyone can appreciate it…they’re special.”

He grinned, his face open and pleased as Adam took a bite.  They really were sour, but also delicious. 

After a couple more bites Adam got up and handed Ronan a stack of clothes. 

“These should fit.  I hope.”  And then went to the coffee pot and started serving while Ronan frowned, wrinkling his nose at the chinos Adam had handed him.

“At least he has a grey pair!  Look - they’re almost black!”  Adam insisted.

Ronan nodded noncommittally, then frowning held up a red shirt in his hands.

“That’s mine.”  Adam admitted. 

“Your coca-cola T shirt?”  Ronan blushed,  going absolutely pink, and Adam thought it may be the most beautiful fucking thing he’d ever seen.

 

“It’s a little big on me.  It should fit you fine.  Also, it’s soft. _Also_ , I never want to see that thing again!”

Ronan shrugged it on, and Adam let himself stare at the way his muscles worked together as he pulled it over his head.

Ronan had been trying to look casual, but internally he was having a bit of a moment.  He had dreamed about this shirt… a lot.  In his dreams Adam was always taking it off.  It was on his floor, or torn to pieces, and now he was wearing it.  It smelled like Adam.  He reached out taking the cup of hot coffee Adam handed him, and prayed he wouldn’t get hard in Gansey’s pants.

They sat down together and ate.

 

“So, hows this going to work?”  Adam asked, ever practical.  He didn’t want to waste time and decided to go straight into the formalities.  “Do you think you can do the long distance thing?”

“Well,”  Ronan said, putting his mug down and looking at Adam like he was a bit thick.  “I did the non-existent thing for a long time, so yeah.  I think I can handle it.”

Adam’s cheeks pinched up into  a small smile.   “This will be different though.  We’ll be…. _together_...” It still felt a little embarrassing to say it out loud, even after everything that had happened, “just apart a lot.”

“Yeah, no shit Parrish.  Do you not trust me?”

“It’s not that….”  Adam looked down.  It wasn't that he didn’t trust Ronan….it was that he realized the hard way that he was the jealous type, and Ronan was very sexy; so he just subverted the question.  “Do you trust me?”

“Absolutely.  Why would I stop trusting you now?”

Ronan made everything sound so simple.  Easy.  Maybe that’s just the way he saw the world.  But Adam couldn’t relax.

“Well then, how often will we see each other?  Just on breaks?  Every other weekend….even that seems like so long, but I work still and school is harder now, and you have the Barns and maybe….”

Ronan took his hand and placed it gently on top of Adam’s.  Adam stopped talking.

“We’ll figure it out.  We’ve gone through worse, right?”

Adam nodded.  Not wanting to talk again until his pulse returned to normal.

After a couple more long breaths he settled with “We just live so far apart.”

Ronan smiled at him.  “I’ll just dream us up some magic wardrobe or something….Narnia style.”

Adam’s eyebrow rose higher than ever.  Could Ronan even do that?  He probably could.  Part of Adam was still hung up on the fact that Ronan had referenced a  Children’s book, but then he realized that actually, that fit in very well with the _real_ Ronan, the one he was getting to know better and better. 

“Can you do that?”  He asked.  No bothering to hide the awe in his voice.

“Maybe?  Probably."  He shrugged, as if he wasn't discussing teleportation over breakfast.  "I might end up somewhere fucking strange, but I bet I could get the hang of it….and until then, I’ll drive.”

“I can drive down to you as well.”  Adam insisted, but Ronan didn’t look so sure.  But then his face morphed into something strange and devilish and plotting.

“Whaaaat?”  Adam asked nervously.

“You could just let me dream you a new car…one that doesn’t need gas or anything!”

“Absolutely not.”  Adam said, frowning.  Working hard to not feel shitty about the offer. 

“But if I’m your _boyfriend_ now, I should be allowed to give you things.”  Ronan said it, like he had the winning hand.

“Yes.  Exactly"  Adam agreed.  "But I would like to be able to give you things too, and I could never reciprocate that!”

“How about you just worry about reciprocating in the bedroom and let me worry about this.”

Adam’s eyes went wide, and it was too late, he was ready to fight, wanted to fight about it.  

Ronan noticed.  He held up his hands, waving the white flag, before Adam could start laying into him.

“Alright, alright, fine.  No car.  But really I don’t see the difference between dreaming up some magical portal furniture and a simple car.  Except that one will most likely not accidentally transport me to Bangkok.”

_Simple car!_

“Please…” Adam mused.  “You’d love it there.”

Ronan just smiled, shrugging a little and went back to his coffee.

 

* * *

 

 

Ronan ended up staying over until Adam’s classes started back up.  He watched Adam get ready, grabbing his books, and tired to swallow down how much he’d miss him.  He already missed watching him study and pour over his notes, missed watching the way his fingers moved and brushed back his hair.  There was no one to lecture him at home anymore, there was almost no point in doing anything destructive.

They walked out into the cold morning together and surprisingly Adam let Ronan buy him a breakfast sandwich and walk him to class. 

Part of doing this felt weird, but part of it felt wonderful.  Ronan was so proud of Adam, and it felt a little bit like showing him off. 

When Adam said “this is my stop” in front of a large grey stone building that looked more like a church than a classroom, Ronan nodded and rocked back on his heels. 

“Well, see you soon Parrish.”

“12 days.” Adam said.

“Yup.”  Ronan agreed.

He didn’t know what to do now.  They were out in the daylight, not snug inside his room, not drunk in the dark crowded room of a dorm party.  Ronan reached out with his hand, but then let it drop back to his side, unsure.

Adam shook his head at him, took two steps into his space, and kissed him on the mouth.  Ronan was ready for it to be something small, a quick peck on the lips, a _see you later bro_ , but it wasn’t.  Adam really leaned into it, and Ronan had to wrap his arms around his waist to brace himself, to hold on.  Adam’s tongue made its way into Ronan’s mouth in a way that hinted at something claiming, and Ronan found peace in that.  They were each others.

When Adam finally did pull away, he looked back up to Ronan and said.  “If you get that wardrobe thing working, I expect to see you before then!”  And then he disappeared into the school.

Ronan felt a little breathless, but he was sure as fuck going to dream that thing up tonight.

Ronan and Adam hadn’t really gone any further physically than they’d done in the shower, and Ronan was equal parts excited and desperate to find out what kind of nights they could share if they didn’t have to worry about trivial things like time and travel. 

Ronan pictured Adam’s body in his mind as he walked back to his car.  He thought about his lips on his skin and all the things Ronan had ever dreamed of doing to Adam.  He’d dream it tonight.  He was 100% sure of it.

 

* * *

 

 

**3 days later**

Adam woke up suddenly.  His room was dark, but his heart raced.  He felt something touch him.  A cold hand.  He looked behind him and sure enough there was something there.  He went to scream, but a large hand covered his mouth.

“Shhhh..Christ! Adam, it’s me!”  Ronan whispered.

Adam thought his heart might explode.

“What the FUCK!  LYNCH!”  He whisper yelled.  “What are you doing here?”

Ronan just grinned smugly.  His eyebrows wagging a little.

“Wait….you didn't?  Did you….did you actually dream it?”  Adam couldn’t believe it.

“Of course I fucking did!  I told you I would!”  Ronan didn't seem too happy about Adam's lack of confidence.

Adam shook his head.  This was a lot of information for so late at night.  His pulse still raced.

“There were a few…um hiccups, though, or I would have been here the very first night."  Ronan admitted.  "It kept sending me to your old place.  St Agnes.  That poor fucker that lives there now….I scared the shit out of him.  I think he thinks aliens are trying to abduct him or something.   I’ve seen him with his beads down at church looking scared as fucking hell.”

Adam snorted and wrapped an arm around Ronan’s waist.

“But it works now?”  He asked, still disbelieving but hopeful.

Ronan shook his head _yes_.

“This is so fucking amazing, Ronan.  You’re amazing.”  Adam kissed him, and Ronan leaned into it.

“Three days was too long.  Fuck this long distance shit.”

Adam laughed again at how angry and proud Ronan sounded as he wrapped one of his legs around Adam’s.  Adam ground into him shamelessly.

Ronan looked up then anxious, over Adam’s head.  When he looked back at Adam he said,  “Gansey.” unhappily.

“He sleeps like the dead.”  Adam insisted, but Ronan gave him a dirty look.

“Too soon?”  Adam asked.

“Come to my place.”  Ronan suggested in a hushed voice.

“Can I do that?  Does it work that way?”

“Sure.”  Ronan didn’t sound too sure, but Adam had no reason to doubt him.  Still, he hesitated.

“Come on, Adam” Ronan insisted.  “I have a king size bed, and it’ll sure as hell be a better sleep than both of us trying to share this twin again!”  Ronan kissed Adam’s neck, nibbling a little at the soft skin.

“I’ll make it worth your while.”  Ronan purred.

Adam was _definitely_ going. 

They rose up quickly and quietly, shuffled past Gansey, and out of the bedroom.  Ronan led Adam into the bathroom. 

“In here?  Really?”

Ronan just pulled him in further and shut the door.  “I guess this room left an impression on me.”  Ronan said, smirking. 

Ronan opened the shower curtain and Adam had to squint to take in what he was seeing.  It looked like a mirage or more like the shadow of a door.  Ronan reached out, and for a second Adam was sure his hand would pass right through it, but Ronan’s fingers made purchase on a small brass knob and when he turned, Ronan pulled Adam into what was surely an honest-to-God wardrobe.  Adam could smell the cedar and musk.

Ronan was a miracle.

“I can’t believe it’s actually a wardrobe!” Adam mused. 

Ronan shrugged.  “Why mess with a classic?”

Adam couldn’t argue the logic there.

As soon as Ronan shut the door, he was opening it again, and even though Adam was expecting it, it still took his breath away.  Ronan stepped out casually into his room at Monmouth.  Adam stayed where he was, speechless.

“Do I need to make a joke about you being in the closet Parrish?  Because I will.”

Adam forced his legs to carry him forward, and then he tackled Ronan to the ground. 

He’d completely missed the bed.

Cabeswater came to Adam immediately, and vines and flowers found their way into Ronan’s sleeves and tugged at his socks.

“Holy Fuck Adam!”

Adam kissed him.

“ _Holy Fuck_ YOU!  Do you have any idea what you just did?”  Adam praised as he kissed Ronan again and again.

“Says the one growing plants from cement and steel.” Ronan chuckled

“Ronan…this is.  You are – You’re amazing.”  Adam sounded awed, and Ronan couldn’t help but blush under the attention.  It was too much.  He had to push it away.  Literally.  He pushed Adam away.

Adam groaned, but Ronan merely stood up and pulled Adam onto the bed. 

“If this is going to work.  You’re going to have to actually get some sleep too…or you know you’ll stop doing it.”

“Okay, okay.”  Adam said, giving in.  "But didn't you say you'd make it worth my while?" 

Ronan nodded and pulled Adam in close; he kissed him deeply, adoringly, lovingly, and then pulled the covers up around them. 

Adam sighed, perfectly content, and snuggled in closer to Ronan, amazed again at the fact that Ronan was real, let alone his to wrap around, to kiss and grope.

Adam couldn’t help groping a little.

Ronan chuckled to himself, brushing Adam’s hair out of his eyes, and used his fingers to comb lightly, massaging his scalp.  Adam was asleep in under a minute.

 

* * *

 

 

The next night Gansey caught them sneaking out.  He tagged along.  It was Friday, and he texted Blue telling her to meet him.  Gansey was near bursting with enthusiasm.  He had missed Henrietta so deeply, and had yet to recover from his homesickness; now he wouldn’t need to. 

Gansey kissed Ronan squarely on the mouth when he stepped out of the wardrobe for the first time.  Ronan blushed, but Gansey seemed oblivious. 

“Are you going to talk to him about that?”  Ronan asked Adam as Gansey sauntered out of his bedroom and into his old home calling for Noah, all ready to riffle through his journals again.

“Nah.  Give him this.  And don’t act like you didn’t like it.”  Adam teased.

Blue was overjoyed to see them all; practically climbing Gansey in her excitement, and punching Ronan in the arm with such delight that a nasty bruise stayed on his bicep for days.

 

 

It took less than a week for Adam and Gansey to pretty much move back in to Monmouth.  They were coming back every night as it was, and there was no force strong enough to keep Gansey from his beloved Henrietta, and his even more beloved Blue, if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.

Adam was there too…always.  It didn’t bother him like he expected it might; he guessed because “technically” he still lived in the dorms.  But with Gansey spending all his free time at Monmouth and Blue studying there as well to be with him and Noah and Ronan, there was really no reason for Adam to stay by himself in Jersey. 

Ronan stopped waiting for Adam to freak out about basically living together after the first month.  It never happened.  They just _were_.

The gang felt whole again.  Their studies were different now, and their daytime activities were sometimes spread across several states, but their evenings were always together, and their nights were sacred.

The End. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wanted this to be about 5 chapters, but after Adam met Nate, I felt it needed to wrap up pretty quick. I'm sure I could have found a way to make Ronan and Adam super angsty and stretch the whole thing out, but that didn’t feel authentic to me. I can’t imagine, no matter how angry Ronan was, that he would let Adam slip through his fingers when he knew that he almost had him. After years of wanting, he wouldn’t let some "miscommunication" stand between them being together. Ronan is a “getter” and while I could see Adam running away from things for a little bit, Ronan wouldn’t stand for any of his shit. So, this is the last chapter….Happy slappy ending yall.


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